Somewhere inside Valjevo Castle, the alarm was ringing and nobody had bothered to label the off switch.

Previously...

Aldren grabbed the hilt of his sword. "That can't be good."

"This alarm is kinda, well... alarming," Merrick said. "Well that and fucking annoying."

The party didn't have much of a plan beyond pushing deeper into the castle until they found Tyranthraxus. If they happened to figure out how to shut off the goddamned alarm along the way, even better.

Inside the first building they found some mysterious guy. He didn't have much to say. He just attacked.

Which was awfully dumb given my party's ability to kill just about everything they came across.

Once he was made dead, Mara cast Detect Magic over his belongings. A long sword gave off a dull blue glow.

"Magical," she said.

Merrick picked it up. "Mine?"

"No."

"But—"

"No."

Nothing else in the building looked remotely capable of shutting off an alarm. And yes, it was still fucking ringing.

"What about in there?" Merrick asked, pointing toward an enormous set of doors to the east.

The giant doors were locked. Thankfully, Lucian knew Knock and Aldren had no backup plan whatsoever.

Lucian studied them. "Well, if by in there you mean inside the castle itself... possibly."

"I suppose we could just barge in," Aldren said.

Mara shrugged. "Worked every other time."

Aldren grabbed the handle and pulled.

Locked.

I sighed, and they ducked into a nearby building long enough for Lucian to memorize Knock again before coming back and magically convincing the doors to open.

The game politely asked if I wanted to cut through the poisonous hedge. I politely declined to be a fucking idiot.

Beyond the gate, a narrow path wound between large, nasty-looking hedges. Lucian stopped and examined the leaves.

"Those appear poisonous."

Aldren nodded. "Let's stay on the path then. The last thing we need is someone getting poisoned. Especially since you two"—he looked at Mara and Lucian—"only seem to memorize the same three or four darn spells."

Mara stared at him. "That's very astute of you."

Aldren smiled. "Thank you."

Merrick looked between them. "Was that sarcasm?"

"Almost certainly," Lucian said.

Aldren's smile faded a little. "I'm still taking it as a compliment."

A short distance into the maze, they came across a small building tucked just off the poisonous hedges. Inside was what appeared to be a completely harmless middle-aged asshole.

Merrick slapped Aldren on the back. "Aldren. Do your thing."

"Erm." Aldren raised one hand to about face level. "Hello."

The alleged prisoner asked to leave. Mara proposed the traditional alternative.

The man just about had a fucking heart attack. "Thank god! You have to help me! I was forced to work for Tyranthraxus! Spare me and I will leave and never return!"

Merrick chuckled. "So... the door wasn't locked or anything. Why couldn't you have left before now?"

The man froze. "Erm. Yes. I mean, there were reasons. Evil reasons!"

Mara tightened her grip around her hammer. "Let me kill him."

Aldren wanted to let him go. Lucian saw little reason to kill him. Merrick didn't particularly care.

Mara wanted to murder him.

So, Decision Die time.

A 1 meant Mara got her way. Anything from 2 through 4 meant the poor son of a bitch could leave.

I rolled a 4.

AHEM.

Aldren straightened himself. "You may leave, good sir. Wizard. Erm... man."

The man didn't wait for clarification, scrambled out the door and disappeared.

Mara watched him go. "You've gotten soft."

"We don't need to kill everyone we meet."

"No. But it saves time."

"How does it save time?"

"We wouldn't still be talking about him."

After resting and letting Mara and Lucian memorize spells again, the party headed deeper into the maze. For the better part of the next hour, they wandered through poisonous hedges while I slowly filled my graph paper with tiny squares.

Left. Right. Dead end. Another path. Another fucking hedge. Yet ANOTHER fucking hedge.

Welcome to the hedge maze. I hope you like graph paper and slowly losing your mind.

All of a sudden, Lucian stopped and dug through the collection of notes the party had accumulated.

"What are you doing?" Merrick asked.

"I recognize this."

He pulled out the map marked NW CASTLE, which we had found all the way back in Episode 10.

Lucian compared it to the hedges around them. "This appears to be the same place."

Aldren looked it over. "It would seem so."

Deep inside the maze, they came across another lonely building. The party entered and surprised three hill giants who appeared to have been sitting around doing absolutely fucking nothing.

Aldren attempted diplomacy.

Merrick yelled “Tyranthraxus!” at a hill giant. Against all reason, this counted as diplomacy.

"Hello there. Um... giant man types. We were sent here to inspect the building for signs of, um... vermin."

One of the giants stared down at him. "Oh yeah? Who send you?"

Aldren opened his mouth.

"Tyranthraxus!" Merrick shouted.

The giant's expression changed. "Oh! We sorry! Just doing job! We stay here at post. Make sure no one go by!"

"Good one," Aldren whispered as they walked past.

Merrick smiled. "See? Natural talent."

"You shouted the first name that came into your head."

Merrick put two fingers to his temples. "Nananananana..."

Aldren watched him. "What are you doing?"

"Being the ball."

The building wrapped around the hedge and exited on the opposite side, letting them bypass a large portion of the poisonous plants without getting stabbed, poisoned, melted, or whatever the hell those things did. They rounded another corner and suddenly found themselves standing in front of a large building. Merrick stopped, looked at his map, turned it sideways, then turned it back.

"Great. Now where the fuck are we?"

Lucian checked his own map. "I believe we're back in the northern section."

Merrick pointed behind them. "No we're not. North is that way."

Lucian looked at the compass, then the map, then back at the compass. "According to this, it isn't."

Aldren frowned. "Can a compass be wrong?"

"In this place?" Mara asked. "Looks like it."

Merrick stared at his map. "I don't like this."

"Why?" Aldren asked.

"Because my map makes sense."

Nobody said anything.

"Fuck all of you."

Once they figured out where the hell they were again, the party followed the path to a small cobblestone building occupied by several armed fire giants. Now, as you might or might not know, fire giants are resistant to fire, which is really fucking helpful when one of Lucian's favorite answers to everything suddenly isn't useful. So he went with Stinking Cloud instead and caught two of the enormous bastards inside it.

Merrick stayed back and started slinging stones while Aldren charged into the cloud and dropped one of the incapacitated giants with his Two-Handed Sword +2.

That left one giant standing near the edge of the room. Aldren stepped back and pulled out that absurdly expensive composite longbow.

Merrick blinked. "You're actually using it? You never seem to hit anything with it, you know."

"I bought it for a reason."

"You've carried that thing across half of Phlan."

"I know."

Aldren fired. Missed. He fired again. Missed again.

After enough of that shit, he gave up on the bow entirely, charged back in, and brought his sword down on the giant hard enough to finish it.

For their efforts, each party member received an absolutely ridiculous 7,704 experience points.

Well, shit.

From there, the hedge path twisted around another section of the grounds before dumping them in front of an enormous set of doors. Beyond those was yet another outdoor section of the castle.

And in a nearby building? Hill giants. Like a really large number of them. Which didn't seem to matter in the end. Fireball, Stinking Cloud, steel biting through giant flesh, dead giants. BAM. THANK YOU MA'AM.

Merrick remained at a safe distance, bravely throwing rocks at hill giants.

By the time the smoke and poisonous vapors cleared, every hill giant in the building was dead and each party member earned another 7,787 experience points.

They searched the room and found a well tucked away in a small adjoining chamber. The game invited my party to dive into it.

I stared at the screen.

Nope. Not after the goddamn lizard caves. No way you get me on that again.

Actually, you know what? I'll humor you, game. Let's let a 1d4 decide.

Decision Die Time!

Aldren, Mara, and Lucian wanted absolutely nothing to do with the mysterious castle well.

Merrick, however, was convinced he could see something glinting at the bottom.

A 4 meant Merrick got his way and everybody climbed into the murder well. Anything else meant we behaved like rational human beings for once.

I rolled a 3.

The 1d4 had spoken!

Merrick leaned over the edge. "I'm telling you. There's something down there."

Mara grabbed the back of his armor and pulled him away. "Then it lives there now."

"It could be treasure."

"It could also be water."

Merrick looked at her. "You're a bitch."

Aldren pointed toward the door. "We're leaving."

The game asked if I wanted to dive into another suspicious pool. Absolutely the fuck not.

Before Merrick could argue further, the castle alarm suddenly started sounding again. That settled it. The party decided to just fuck off and leave. They had a pile of unidentified magical shit, everybody was exhausted, and the front gate was already theirs. New Phlan seemed like a perfectly good place to regroup.

Mara adjusted her pack. "I'm running out of patience."

"You started without any," Lucian said.

Moments later, back at City Hall, the still-nameless clerk was considerably happier to see them than usual. Each party member received 5,500 experience points.

The Council handed out 5,500 XP each. Aldren was about to become even more insufferable about the dragonslayer thing.

Oh and Aldren Kestyr officially became a Level 8 Fighter, or, as he preferred to call himself: "Dragonslayer."

Lucian sighed. "You killed a wyvern."

"Dragon-adjacent."

"No."

Aldren thought about it. "Level eight dragon-adjacent slayer?"

Next stop was the arms shop to identify the magical crap they had been carrying around.

And holy shit. They didn't have one Ring of Protection +2. They had two. They also had a Necklace of Missiles, and the two swords stolen from the makeshift Temple of Bane were both Long Swords +3.

Mara upgraded from her Ring of Protection +1, dropping her Armor Class to -2 and hopefully making it slightly harder for every fucking monster in the Forgotten Realms to beat her unconscious.

With everybody healed, trained, reorganized, and carrying considerably better shit, the party returned to Valjevo Castle. Thankfully, the alarm had stopped by the time they got back inside.

That little bit of peace didn't last long, though. The party soon encountered something new.

Giant Fucking Snakes.

Two Fireballs later, combined with the snakes' near-total inability to hit a goddamned thing, the fight was over. I don't know, maybe they had been Giant Fucking Blind Snakes.

In any event, Merrick searched the room.

Nothing.

"We just fought giant snakes for nothing?"

Aldren shrugged. "We made the castle safer."

Merrick stared at him. "I hate you."

Not far away they found a building full of records, which was a nice change from giants, snakes, and everything else trying to murder them.

Lucian started going through them.

"What do they say?" Aldren asked.

Lucian's expression slowly changed. "This is... considerably more organized than I expected."

The records revealed that the Red Wizards of Thay were allied with Tyranthraxus.

And the more they read, the worse it got. This wasn't just some asshole throwing orcs, goblins, and kobolds at Phlan anymore. Tyranthraxus had contacts, allies, records—the whole fucking thing.

All of it was aimed at one goal: The conquest of every land south of the Moonsea.

Aldren lowered one of the papers. "So this is bigger than Phlan."

"Considerably," Lucian said.

Merrick frowned. "How considerably?"

Lucian looked at him. "Every land south of the Moonsea."

"Oh."

Mara picked up another sheet. "So we kill Tyranthraxus."

"That would seem to be the idea."

Aldren nodded. "Then that's what we'll do."

They packed away anything useful and headed back into the hedges. A few turns later, the smell of smoke and burned meat led them to another cluster of buildings. Inside, several pieces of meat had burned almost beyond recognition while three human slaves desperately tried to keep up with the cooking.

Standing nearby was a gnoll. And it wasn't just standing there—it was beating one of the human slaves.

Merrick didn't say anything. He walked up beside the creature, drew his blade, and cut its throat before it even had a chance to react. The gnoll grabbed at its neck as blood poured between its fingers. It staggered forward, dropped to its knees, and collapsed as the three slaves ran for the door.

A slave tripped the fleeing gnoll. Merrick handled the rest. Teamwork.

"Karma," Merrick said with a grin.

One of the slaves stopped long enough to hand Aldren a piece of paper that had belonged to the now extremely dead gnoll. It contained the day's password for the main gate into the hedge maze.

Aldren read it, then looked at the others. "Um... thanks!"

Aldren looked back at the note. "I think this should make our lives a bit easier, yes?"

Merrick stared at him. "We've already broken into the castle, killed half the guards, and set off the alarm about fourteen times."

Mara took the note. "And now we have the password."

Lucian looked at it. "A little late for that."

Once the slaves were gone, the party continued along the same stretch of buildings. The next one was occupied by fire giants.

One of them folded his arms and looked down at the party. "Why are you here, little ones?"

Merrick stepped forward.

"Let me."

Aldren raised an eyebrow. "You?"

"You people have no appreciation for my social skills."

Mara snorted.

Merrick ignored her. "All right, gentlemen, here's the problem. We were specifically told not to tell you why we're here, which puts me in a difficult position, because now you're asking me why we're here."

The giants stared at him.

"So I've got two choices. I can tell you, get myself in trouble, and probably get you in trouble for making me tell you... or you can pretend you never saw us, we keep walking, and everyone has a considerably less irritating day."

He smiled. "Personally, I'd go with the second one."

There was a long pause.

And somehow, the little fucker actually pulled it off.

The fire giants just shrugged and allowed the party to pass without a fight.

Once they were safely outside, Merrick looked at Aldren. "See? That's how diplomacy is done."

Mara shook her head. "You got lucky, you little fucker."

"Skill."

"Luck."

They pushed farther into the castle grounds. The next building looked a little more official than the others, and inside they stumbled across a group of scribes furiously writing down dictation from two robed envoys carrying enormous two-handed swords.

The disguises, password, and Merrick's newfound diplomatic genius didn't help the situation at all.

So, my four little adventurers killed them. All of them. Then, an alarm sounded.

The envoys brought paperwork and two-handed swords. Lucian brought a Fireball.

Lucian looked toward the ceiling. "Again."

The party searched the room anyway. Because fuck that alarm. I was never going to find a way to shut it off anyways. I needed to stop dictating myself. (Deluding. That's deluding, dummy.)

They found hard evidence that Junior Councilman Cadorna had been using them for his own purposes while searching for the Pool of Radiance.

Merrick stared at the documents. "Wait. We did jobs for this asshole."

"Yup," Mara said.

"We gave him his family treasure."

"Well, you robbed it first."

"That's beside the point."

Aldren looked genuinely bothered. "The Council needs to know."

Lucian gathered up the evidence. "Assuming we leave the castle alive."

Then we stepped on a trap.

Four extremely angry fire giants rushed the party.

And everybody died.

Moments Later...

"OKAY!" Aldren said. "Let's not go that way!"

The party agreed, turned around and headed back toward the southeastern section of the castle grounds and into the hedge maze once again.

After a lot more wandering and hedge-mazing, the party finally worked their way into the northeastern section and found a guard tower packed with trolls.

Lucian got off one Fireball and one Stinking Cloud before a troll landed a brutal blow to the side of his head and dropped him.

Not dead, mind you. Just unconscious.

Aldren saw Lucian hit the floor and went fucking berserk.

Lucian went down. Aldren took that personally.

He charged the trolls and started absolutely annihilating them, landing two hits for fifteen-plus damage again and again. One troll went down, then another, then another.

Merrick and Mara helped clean up whatever remained, but Aldren pretty much did all the violence himself.

He was really fucking pissed.

After roughly three continuous hours of mapping, fighting, checking my compass, flipping graph-paper pages, and questioning the life decisions that led me here, the party finally reached a chamber unlike anything else in the castle.

It actually looked expensive. Hangings, carpet, furniture—the whole deal. At the far end sat a powerful-looking man dressed like some kind of barbarian king.

I was pretty sure we'd finally found the asshole we'd come here for.

He watched the party approach from his throne.

Tyranthraxus finally introduced himself. Aldren already knew how he wanted the conversation to end.

"What is your business with Tyranthraxus, Lord of Phlan?"

Aldren stepped forward. He was covered in dirt and dried blood and looked like he had fought his way across half the fucking castle.

Which, to be fair, he had.

"To end you."

Well then.

"And to hear the lamentations of the women!" Merrick added.

After all the buildup, all the wandering, all the fucking hedges, this was apparently it.

Tyranthraxus brought two 6th-level thieves into the fight with him.

Aldren attacked. His two-handed sword slammed into one thief with enough force to leave the man's arm hanging uselessly at his side.

Lucian moved around the fighting, circling toward the back of the room, then cast Stinking Cloud directly over the self-proclaimed Lord of Phlan.

The Lord of Phlan brought two thieves. We brought Stinking Cloud and poor impulse control.

Tyranthraxus doubled over coughing.

Merrick saw his opening, loaded a stone into his Sling of Seeking +2, pulled back, and fired.

The stone hit Tyranthraxus directly in the left eye. Then it punched through his skull and tore straight through his brainpan.

The Lord of Phlan collapsed onto the floor.

That was it.

Tyranthraxus, Lord of Phlan, killed by a rock to the eye. History is cruel.

Merrick slowly lowered the sling. "Did I just kill Tyranthraxus with a fucking rock?"

Mara smashed one of the remaining thieves. Aldren finished the other.

For a second, nobody said anything.

After all that bullshit, the mysterious Lord of Phlan had just been killed by Merrick firing a rock through his fucking eye.

And somewhere in the distance...

The alarm was still ringing.

Merrick sighed. "I'm not even sure it does anything."

The party searched the corpses and recovered a long sword, a ring, and a pair of gauntlets. Merrick searched the throne room. Nothing. He searched it again. Still nothing. "Seriously?"

Aldren looked down at the dead man. "We should return to Phlan and report what we've done."

Mara wiped her hammer clean. "And confront that Cadorna asshole."

And so, they left the throne room and made the long trip back through Valjevo Castle toward New Phlan.

On their way to City Hall, the party stopped at the arms shop to identify the three items taken from the throne room.

The long sword was a Long Sword +5. The ring was a Ring of Protection +3. And the gauntlets were another set of Gauntlets of Ogre Power.

Mara put on the gauntlets, then handed the sword and ring to Aldren.

Aldren stared at the Long Sword +5.

He looked... sad.

Merrick noticed. "Aww. What's the matter, big guy?"

"I kinda got used to my two-handed sword."

Mara stared at him. "You have a Long Sword plus five."

"I know. I liked the other one."

Merrick patted him on the shoulder. "You can still keep it."

Then Aldren's expression changed.

"And I sold my magical shield."

Mara's eyes narrowed. "I told you not to sell that fucking thing."

"I didn't know I'd find a better one-handed sword!"

"You are carrying enough money to buy half of Phlan."

"That's not the point."

Aldren, defeated, turned toward the shopkeeper. "One shield, please."

Aldren equipped the new Long Sword +5 and shield, but strapped his Two-Handed Sword +2 across his back. Apparently he wasn't ready to give that thing up yet.

Then he handed the Ring of Protection +3 to Lucian.

"Here. You could use this more than me."

Lucian smiled. "Thank you."

He put it on, replacing the weaker Ring of Protection +2 he had been wearing, then sold the old one.

With everybody finally sorted out, the party headed to City Hall and told the clerk what they had learned about Cadorna.

If they found him?

Kill him.

Merrick's face lit up. "Alright, town council lady! You're the fucking GOAT!"

Aldren looked considerably less excited.

And then... pretty much nothing.

No big celebration. No announcement that Tyranthraxus had fallen. No declaration that Phlan was finally free. Not even a shitty little parade.

Aldren stood there for a moment. "Did... we miss something? I mean, we killed the main dude."

Lucian folded his arms. "There must be more to do."

Merrick sighed.

"Then we'll do whatever's left!" Aldren said.

"Of course we will," Merrick muttered.

The northeast quadrant: records, slaves, scribes, trolls, and enough hedge to make me regret owning graph paper.

The northwest quadrant, where the map I found in Episode 10 and the map I was drawing actually agreed. Briefly.

The southwest quadrant, featuring a disorientation portal specifically designed to make my map lie to me.

The southeast quadrant. The mysterious well remained unexplored because, for once, the Decision Die loved me.

The Party So Far

Every member of the party has now reached the highest level Pool of Radiance will allow them to attain. Tyranthraxus—or at least the man sitting on his throne claiming to be the Lord of Phlan—has been killed, Cadorna has been exposed, and the game does not seem particularly impressed by either accomplishment.

The silver dragon's bottle is still somewhere inside the kobold complex. The heir to House Bivant is still missing. Cadorna is now somebody we're supposed to murder on sight.

And Valjevo Castle may or may not still have something left for us. Honestly, I don't really want to go back there and check.

Aldren Kestyr — Level 8 Fighter

Hit the level cap and promoted himself to Level Eight Dragonslayer. Now carrying a Long Sword +5 and new shield, while refusing to give up his Two-Handed Sword +2. Still rocking Plate Mail +2, Gauntlets of Ogre Power, and that absurd composite longbow. Spent most of Valjevo Castle turning trolls and giants into paste.

Mara Threl — Level 6 Cleric

Still wielding her Hammer +3, now with a Ring of Protection +2 and the second set of Gauntlets of Ogre Power, dropping her AC to -2. Continues to consider murder a perfectly reasonable opening move. The Decision Die was the only thing standing between one harmless middle-aged man and a very bad afternoon.

Lucian Eldwyck — Level 6 Magic-User

Still solving an alarming number of problems with Fireball, Stinking Cloud, and Knock. Got knocked unconscious by trolls, recovered in time to gas Tyranthraxus, and upgraded to a Ring of Protection +3. Also recognized the old NW CASTLE map, proving somebody in this party actually pays attention.

Merrick Sorne — Level 9 Thief

Still carrying his Short Sword +2 and Sling of Seeking +2, with Leather Armor +4 and his Cloak of Displacement. Bluffed some fire giants, wanted to dive into another suspicious hole for treasure, slit an abusive gnoll's throat, and then killed Tyranthraxus with a fucking rock through the eye. Pretty good week for a thief.

Next Time On...