The party came to sell excess shit. The shopkeeper immediately tried to sell them more.

Previously...

Aldren shifted through his inventory. “You know, we still have too much... well, everything.”

“Damn right,” Merrick said, haphazardly swinging his magical short sword around. “I’ve got all the everything. I’ve got class. I’ve got style.”

Mara wrinkled her nose. “Yeah. Style. THAT’S what that smell is.”

“Style!” Merrick repeated, adding jazz hands.

Aldren sighed. “Look, let’s go back to that jeweler before we leave. We can probably reduce our load a little more before we start exploring again.”

Merrick chuckled. “Load.”

Nobody acknowledged him.

The party returned to the jewelry shop and sold off another pile of assorted crap, including the silver mirror Aldren had once given Mara. He watched it slide across the counter.

“You’re selling the mirror?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“But it was a gift.”

“It was also heavy.”

Some gifts were not meant to be kept. All told, everyone was looking considerably better encumbrance-wise. Their packs were lighter, their horses were less likely to collapse, and they were once again free to fill every available space with a completely new collection of shit.

To the wilderness!

The river was clean again. According to Merrick, he personally did the whole fucking thing.

They passed the river on the way out. The water was clean now, thanks to their heroic efforts inside the stupid pyramid.

Merrick pointed toward it proudly. “See that? I did that.”

“You found treasure rooms,” Aldren said.

“Exactly. Hero stuff.”

The party traveled east into the hills and mountains and found jack shit. So they turned around, crossed back through the countryside, and went west into the even bigger mountains.

There, they were surprised by tigers.

Fucking tigers. In the mountains.

The party found jack shit in the mountains. The tigers found the party.

Anyways, the party murdercated them without much trouble and continued on. Somewhere south of the mountains—because everyone was pretty much wandering around willy-nilly by then—they stumbled across a small, dark cave in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Aldren dismounted and peered inside. “At last! Somewhere new to explore.”

Merrick looked at the black opening. “It’s a hole.”

“It’s a cave.”

Lucian leaned closer. “Technically, a cave is a naturally occurring subterranean void, while a hole is merely—”

Mara walked between them and entered. “If you two are finished naming the fucking hole, I’m going inside.”

The others followed.

Just beyond the entrance, they encountered several enormous mantis-like creatures. Lucian studied their long limbs and chitinous bodies, then lowered his voice.

Two giant mantis warriors blocked the tunnel. Aldren was still considering “hello.”

“Those are thri-kreen, I believe.”

Merrick glanced over. “Thri-kreen?”

“Large mantis warriors. They are fast, dangerous, and entirely capable of eating your head.”

“Ah. Aldren, I think we found your dating pool.”

“What should we do?” Aldren asked.

Mara tightened her grip on her hammer. “We can take ’em.”

“Hey!” Merrick called toward the nearest creature. “Mara here says she can take you!”

He grinned.

Mara slowly looked at him. “If they don’t eat your head, I will.”

The thri-kreen attacked before Aldren could attempt diplomacy, which probably saved everyone several minutes. Lucian dropped a well-placed Stinking Cloud over the creatures, leaving most of them gagging and stumbling while the rest of the party went to work. By the time the vapors cleared, the thri-kreen were dead and everyone had earned 907 experience points.

“Well, that wasn’t so hard,” Merrick said.

Then he turned and noticed Mara bleeding profusely.

“For me,” he added.

Mara pressed one hand against the wound. “You hid behind a cloud and threw rocks.”

“Tactical support.”

“Come closer and explain it. I’m hard of hearing on account of the blood in my ear.”

Merrick wisely began preparing camp.

The party rested inside the tunnel until Mara had stopped leaking and everyone was ready to continue. Deeper in the insect caves, they found a small chamber occupied by four more thri-kreen.

The fight started well enough. Then one of the green bastards paralyzed Mara and dropped her hard.

Lucian managed to reach her and bandage the worst of her wounds while Aldren and Merrick kept the creatures occupied. Eventually, only one thri-kreen remained, badly wounded and surrounded by three extremely irritated adventurers.

“For Mara!” Merrick cried, whipping a hellish bullet from his sling.

He missed, of course, but it was still a pretty epic scene.

Aldren killed the remaining creature. The party earned an impressive 2,926 experience points each, and Lucian found a magical scroll among the remains.

After another brief rest, they continued exploring the caves, killing a few more oversized insects along the way. I’ll spare you the full bug-by-bug accounting. There were bugs. The party killed them. Everyone had a rather enjoyable time.

Then the cave ended.

No hidden vault. No ancient treasure. No enormous pile of gold. Just a dead end and a lot of bug parts.

Merrick stared at the final wall. “Well, that’s dumb. Let’s leave.”

And so they did.

The complete map of the bug hole. Try not to get lost.

The party returned to wandering and eventually discovered another small, dark cave.

“Look!” Aldren exclaimed. “Another place to explore!”

Merrick remained on his horse. “This one better be worth our time.”

“We won’t know unless we look.”

“That’s what you said about the bug hole.”

Mara dismounted. “If there’s nothing inside, we leave Aldren here.”

Aldren was pretty sure she was kidding. Maybe.

With that, they lit a torch, left the horses near the cave’s dirty maw, and slipped inside.

The dwarf had been dissolved by acid. Merrick checked his pockets anyway.

The passage continued for only a short distance before ending beside the acid-covered, partially dissolved remains of a dwarf.

Lucian crouched to examine the corpse. “Well. That’s unsightly.”

“What could have done this?” Mara asked.

“No gold.”

Everyone looked at Merrick. He was already digging through what remained of the dwarf’s torn clothing.

“What?” he asked. “There’s no gold on him.”

Aldren frowned. “A man has been dissolved in acid and that’s your first concern?”

“He’s not using it.”

The source of the acid became clear moments later when an ankheg rushed from the darkness and attacked. The party dispatched it without incident, which was a pleasant change from being sprayed with acid and watching their equipment smoke.

At the end of a nearby hallway, they found more remains, collected 156 experience points each, and left behind an absolutely unheard-of amount of copper.

Merrick stood over the pile, visibly struggling.

“It’s copper,” Mara said.

“I know.”

“We can’t carry it.”

“I KNOW.”

Leaving money on the ground hurt him in places healing magic could not reach.

Only a few hundred feet away, the party found yet another cave. They went inside and quickly discovered it was the exact same cave they had already found at 4,28.

Same passages. Same rooms. Same everything.

They fucked off out of there.

I mapped the entire cave. The game copy-pasted it a few hundred feet away just to fuck with me.

Anyways, the party headed north.

They had not traveled far when an enormous shadow passed over them. Aldren looked up as a creature with very large wings swept across the sky.

A fucking dragon landed in the cave. Merrick saw treasure. Aldren saw a chance to make his fake title official.

“Um... what’s that?”

Mara barely glanced upward. “Dragon.”

The creature banked and descended toward a cave ahead of them.

“And it appears to be going in there,” Lucian added.

Aldren’s face brightened. “An actual dragon?”

Lucian immediately regretted speaking.

Merrick watched the cave entrance. “Lucy, don’t dragons usually have enormous piles of treasure?”

“Legends do consistently describe dragons as possessing large collections of wealth, yes. However—”

“Aldren,” Merrick interrupted, “you’re a dragonslayer, right?”

“He killed one wyvern,” Lucian said.

“In two hits,” Aldren added.

“A wyvern is not a dragon.”

Mara shrugged. “Close enough.”

“It is not close enough.”

Merrick hopped down from his horse. “Wonderful. The dragonslayer can go first.”

Against all reasonable logic, the party entered the cave.

The moment they crossed the threshold, a magical mouth appeared on one wall. In a booming voice, it said, “Who enters the home of Diogenes? Speak now and declare your intent!”

Before anyone else could answer, Merrick stepped forward.

“This is Aldren, the Dragonslayer! We’re here for your booty!”

Aldren pushed him aside. “Erm, don’t mind him. He’s... excitable.”

Decision Die time!

The game gave me four choices: ask the dragon for advice, challenge the evil leader of old Phlan, pledge the party to the dragon’s service, or offer a gift.

Lucian rather fancied asking the dragon for advice. Mara and Merrick wanted to kill the thing, and Aldren was right there with them. His recent wyvern victory had done very little for his sense of proportion. He was a dragonslayer now, after all. At least in his own mind.

So, a roll of 1 meant we asked for advice. Anything from 2 through 4 meant the party would challenge the evil leader of old Phlan and fight the fucking dragon.

I rolled a 1.

We were apparently asking the fucking dragon for advice.

A thunderous flapping filled the cavern, followed by a rush of warm air. An enormous silver dragon landed before them.

The dragon gave them a quest. Half the party immediately began discussing when to murder him.

“You are wise to seek my counsel,” the dragon said, “and I can help you. Far to the east there is a large kobold complex. There is a silver bottle of great power there that can help you on your quest. Retrieve that bottle and return, and I will send you on another quest.”

Merrick stepped forward. “Will there be snacks?”

The dragon ignored him and flew away.

Aldren watched it disappear, smiling broadly. “A quest! From a silver dragon!”

Mara looked unimpressed. “Meh. We should’ve murdered it.”

Lucian stared at her. “I do not believe such a task would be within our pay grade.”

“We could’ve done it. We’ve fought worse.”

“No,” Lucian said. “We have died to worse.”

Merrick nodded thoughtfully. “This might still work. We kill the kobolds, get the dragon’s bottle, return for the reward, and THEN kill him.”

“We are not killing the silver dragon,” Aldren said.

“Not before the reward,” Merrick agreed.

“Not after it either.”

Mara started toward the horses. “We’ll revisit the issue.”

“We will not,” Lucian said, following her.

Far to the east, the party found a ruined castle surrounded by quicksand. An old drawbridge offered the only safe route across the quagmire, so they crossed and entered the crumbling courtyard.

A ruined castle surrounded by a moat, reached by one shitty old bridge. Sure. Let’s go inside.

Lucian stopped almost immediately. “Hmm. Odd. I sense an anti-magic shell around us.”

They continued exploring the disheveled grounds while Lucian studied the effect. Aldren became hungry, spotted the moat, and briefly considered fishing in it. Lucian advised against that plan on the grounds that the fish were probably poisonous and might cause him to drop dead.

Aldren stayed out of the moat.

Eventually, they found a building in the northwest corner of the courtyard containing two lizard men and a giant lizard. Lucian raised both hands to cast Stinking Cloud.

Nothing happened.

He tried again.

Still nothing.

“Um, everyone,” he said, backing away from the approaching lizards, “that anti-magic shell I mentioned earlier appears to work both ways.”

Merrick loaded a hefty stone into his sling. “Let me guess. You’re magically impotent?”

Lucian’s expression tightened. “It would appear so, yes.”

Mara raised her hammer. “Good. Now you can hit things like the rest of us.”

“That is not how my training—”

The giant lizard lunged.

The lack of magic didn’t matter much. The party decimated the small group quickly, Merrick found some treasure, and everyone received 862 experience points.

Just north of the treasure, they discovered a hidden tunnel leading underground. Naturally, they climbed down and landed directly in the clutches of a small army of giant lizards.

With magic disabled, Lucian was basically a very educated man holding a stick in a room full of giant lizards.

The tunnels beneath the castle eventually led to a deep pool of dark water. Merrick, exercising the sort of judgment that had carried him all the way to level 9, decided to dive in and search the fucking thing.

The entire party was promptly attacked underwater.

Somehow, they fought their way back to dry land. Aldren stood dripping beside the pool, visibly agitated.

“This! THIS is why we don’t dive into random pools of water underground, Merrick!”

Merrick wrung water out of his cloak. “There could’ve been treasure.”

“There wasn’t!”

“We know that now.”

The party promptly exited the small cave.

Back in the courtyard, they found another staircase leading down into a very similar collection of tunnels. They also found another very similar pool, complete with another group of lizard motherfuckers waiting to ambush them. This time, however, the party stopped the creatures before they could escape back into the water.

The game asked if we wanted to dive into a deep pool of underground lizard water. Merrick said yes, because of course he fucking did.

With the pool temporarily devoid of lizard fuckers, the party searched it and found treasure. Everyone received 575 experience points, and they recovered a shield.

Huzzah.

Unfortunately, those two finds represented the high point of the castle. The rest of the underground complex was an increasingly irritating collection of tunnels, pools, and lizard men who would leap from the water, throw shit at us, and disappear before anyone could properly murder them.

“There could still be something down here,” Merrick said after another fruitless pass.

Mara stared at the nearest pool. “There is. Lizard piss.”

“And possibly treasure.”

“Mostly piss.”

By the time the entire Ruined Castle had been mapped—or at least every section I could find, both aboveground and below—everyone was getting pretty fucking cranky. Finally, after yet another pointless encounter with another group of lizard men, Mara snapped.

“Enough! I refuse to keep getting stabbed by these pricks. You know what? Fuck them, and fuck this place!”

“That’s right, Mara,” Merrick said. “Let it out, baby.”

She ignored him only because she was angry enough to flay him if she stopped to think about the fact that he had called her baby.

Aldren looked back toward the nearest pool. “For once, I’m in agreement. Eff this place!”

Everyone looked at him.

Merrick blinked. “Did you just say ‘eff’?”

Aldren folded his arms. “Yes.”

Mara’s anger briefly gave way to something resembling pride. “He’s getting there.”

“Say the real word,” Merrick urged.

“No.”

“Come on, Dragonslayer.”

“We’re leaving.”

And so, with the entire place mapped as far as I could tell and very little to show for it, the party gave the Ruined Castle a great big FUCK YOU and promptly left.

Three pieces of graph paper later, no coordinates, and far too many pools of lizard piss.

“That was a complete waste of time,” Merrick grumbled as they crossed the drawbridge.

Lucian glanced back. “We gained experience, recovered treasure, and learned the entire area suppresses magic.”

“Complete waste of time,” Merrick repeated.

The party continued across the wilderness until they stumbled upon a large nomad camp. They strolled directly into it like they owned the place, attracting a growing crowd almost immediately.

Aldren did what Aldren does.

“Hello!” he called, waving enthusiastically.

The biggest, meanest, dirtiest nomad in the camp pushed his way through the crowd. He studied the four strangers for a moment, then smiled.

The chief offered free food and alcohol. For once, no Decision Die was required.

“We will give a feast in your honor tonight. Will you join us?”

Everyone was pretty much down with free food. It didn’t even take a dice roll.

The chief led them to the center of camp, where they were treated as honored guests. There were contests of strength and skill, plenty of food, and enough alcohol to make sleeping in a strange nomad camp seem perfectly sensible.

As night fell, the nomads built an enormous campfire and gathered for the feast. There was food, drinking, dancing, and possibly a giant orgy. I’m still not entirely sure what happened, but the glow on Aldren’s face the next morning spoke far more than I ever could.

During the feast, the chief became completely fucking wasted and shared Journal Entry #55:

“You must beware of the many dangers in this region. Several days walk to the west there is the pyramid of evil. It has been long avoided by all sensible men. To the southeast is a lair of many ferocious hobgoblins. The areas to the southwest are inhabited by evil men—buccaneers, marauders, and soldiers of an evil empire far to the west. And all good folks avoid the swamps to the east. Nothing but danger grows in the swamps.”

Aldren looked toward the western horizon. “The pyramid of evil must have been Yarash’s island.”

Lucian nodded. “The location would be consistent, as would the nomads’ desire to avoid it.”

Mara took another drink. “Not evil anymore.”

“The pyramid is still there,” Aldren said.

“The evil isn’t.”

Merrick leaned across the fire. “He said hobgoblins southeast. The dragon said kobolds far east. How many tiny asshole armies live out here?”

“At least two,” Lucian replied.

“Wonderful.”

Before the night ended, the chief asked the party to consider staying until the following day. A large kobold army was moving through the area, and the nomads were worried it might attack the camp.

The chief then showed them to a small hut where they could sleep.

About fifty-five minutes later, he woke them up.

Mara emerged in her skivvies. Merrick was freeballing it. Nobody was happy.

“Well,” the chief asked, “have you considered my request?”

What a fucker.

Lucian rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “This could be the same kobold force guarding the complex the silver dragon described.”

“Then we should help,” Aldren said. “The nomads have treated us with kindness, and it may bring us closer to the bottle.”

Mara reached for her hammer. “You had me at kobolds.”

Merrick looked down, seemed to remember his current condition, and stepped back into the hut. “I’m in. Give me a minute.”

Nobody needed the Decision Die.

The nomads had a kobold army problem. Lucian had two Fireballs.

Eventually, the first kobold horde arrived. Lucian greeted it with a well-placed Fireball while Aldren and Mara supplied the aggression. What remained of the attack collapsed almost immediately, proving that the nomads were most definitely a bunch of pansy asses.

Then another enormous force approached from the west.

Fortunately, Lucian still had an extra Fireball scroll. He used it to erase roughly thirty kobolds from the new formation, and the rest went down soon afterward.

Finally, a third group attacked. This time, several of the nomads’ finest warriors joined the party for the final push. Together, they finished what was left of the kobold army and saved the camp.

Each party member earned 1,142 experience points from the fighting, followed by another 3,266 for helping the sad nomads. Aldren also found a new two-handed sword among the aftermath. It was probably magical.

For once, everyone had accomplished something genuinely heroic without poisoning a river, murdering prisoners, or setting fire to half a graveyard.

Lucian, now thoroughly covered in kobold blood, looked over the battered party. “We should return to Phlan and restock our supplies. I’m also curious what new information the Town Council may have.”

Aldren nodded. “Agreed.”

Merrick pointed toward Mara. “You have some kobold in your hair.”

“Yup.”

He waited for her to do something about it.

She didn’t.

“Okay then.”

Back in Phlan...

“Heck yes!” Aldren shouted when the arms dealer confirmed that his new two-handed sword was magical. Not just magical, either. It was a Two-Handed Sword +2.

Aldren immediately sold his shield, gripped the enormous weapon in both hands, and began swinging it around the store.

Several items crashed to the floor.

“Hey!” the clerk shouted. “Knock that shit off!”

Aldren froze. “Erm. Sorry.”

The party visited the Town Council next and was pleasantly surprised to learn that news of the victory at the nomad camp had already reached their stupid ears. Each party member received another 1,475 experience points.

They were also given a new job. The heir to House Bivant had been captured and needed to be rescued. The House would pay generously for his safe return.

The Council paid them for doing something genuinely heroic. It was a confusing day for everyone.

Merrick leaned toward Aldren. “Generously.”

“I heard.”

“Just making sure.”

Refreshed, resupplied, and carrying one considerably larger sword, the party returned to the wilderness.

Somewhere in the east, they were met by a screaming horde of kobolds. Lucian responded with a gigantic ball of flaming death. The survivors immediately surrendered, perhaps because there were roughly fifty fewer of them than there had been several seconds earlier.

Just north of the encounter, the party found a group of concealed caves. One entrance was large and obvious. The other was smaller and slightly better hidden.

Aldren studied them. “Well, team. Which cave?”

The smaller cave was the sensible choice, according to Lucian. Aldren immediately fell into a fucking pool.

Decision Die time.

Aldren and Mara wanted the larger cave. Aldren was still riding high from his new sword and his entirely self-proclaimed status as a dragonslayer, while Mara preferred entering through the front and killing whatever objected.

Lucian and Merrick favored the smaller entrance. It offered the more subtle approach and, in theory, a lower chance of walking directly into an army.

A roll of 1 or 2 meant the large cave. A 3 or 4 meant the small one.

I rolled a 4.

“Alright, fine,” Aldren said, clearly disappointed. “We’ll try it your way, thief.”

Lucian stepped toward the smaller opening. “It is the more sensible approach.”

The party slipped inside.

Aldren immediately fell into a pool of water.

Some of the party’s items were lost while everyone tried to recover him. The game did not choose to TELL me what those items were, but all the actual equipment still appeared to be present afterward. I can only assume we lost money or gems.

Fuck you, game.

After Aldren fell in, the game ate an unspecified amount of our shit and declined to elaborate. Fuck you too, game.

“Oh, look!” Merrick called as they searched one corner of the cave. “Mine tailings!”

Mara looked over, visibly annoyed that the thief apparently knew something she didn’t. “What, pray tell, is a mine tailing?”

“You know. A tailing. From a mine.”

“You have no clue, do you?”

“Do too.”

Aldren, now rather moist, wrung water from his clothes. “Okay. What do you do with a mine tailing?”

Merrick stared at the object for several seconds, raised it above his head, then carefully balanced it in his hair.

“Hat.”

Mara nodded. “Yeah. He has no clue.”

“It can be two things.”

Nobody asked what the first thing was.

Deeper in the caves, the party encountered a group of kobolds holding a white flag.

The kobolds offered cash for peace. Mara had one chance in four to ruin it for everyone. She fucking nailed it.

“You are quite dangerous,” one of them said. “We will pay for a truce.”

Decision Die time!

Mara wanted them dead. The other three were willing to accept the truce. That meant a roll of 1 would start a fight. Anything else, and we would make peace with the little bastards.

I rolled a 1.

Mara raised her hammer. “Fuck you, you ugly bastards! This is for Skullcrusher!”

“Oh, fuck,” Merrick said.

One of the kobolds pulled a hidden lever. The ceiling collapsed onto the party, and then the battle began.

It ended quickly thanks to the ancient art of casting Fireball.

The party continued through the damaged tunnel until Aldren stopped.

“Are those human voices?”

Lucian listened. “It would appear so.”

“Traitors,” Mara muttered under her breath.

Aldren looked at her. “You’re evil.”

“I have standards.”

Merrick snorted. “Do you?”

Mara thought about it. “No. But I hate kobolds. And people.”

The party soon discovered who the voices belonged to. A huge kobold horde filled the cavern ahead. At the far end, an ancient kobold sat upon a wooden throne, with one human man standing guard on either side.

Oh, and there were four trolls.

This was not going to go well.

Four trolls and a kobold army. This seemed like an excellent time to discover Aldren had no arrows.

Lucian managed to launch a Fireball before the horde could close in, greatly reducing the kobold population. He followed it with Stinking Cloud, slowing the ridiculously overpowered trolls while Aldren and Mara pushed into the front line.

“Good going, Lucy!” Merrick shouted over the clash of weapons.

Lucian did not have time to object.

Slowly, the battle turned in the party’s favor. Three of the four trolls went down. Aldren pulled out his absurdly expensive composite longbow, took aim at the kobold leaders, and smiled.

“Today is a good day,” he said.

Then he reached for an arrow.

He did not have any.

Merrick spotted the mighty warrior desperately searching for ammunition that did not exist and laughed. “Nice bow, Dragonslayer!”

Then the thief raised his sword and charged.

Suddenly, the kobolds began surrendering. Within moments, all that remained was one lonely troll.

Aldren, still seething from being mocked, gripped his new two-handed sword and raised it overhead. Then, in true Guts fashion, he brought the enormous blade straight down through the troll.

Head to toe.

Both halves collapsed into a pile of bone, flesh, and sludge.

Everyone stared.

Merrick slowly lowered his sword. “Okay. That one counted.”

Lucian looked from the remains to Merrick. “Counted as what?”

“Whatever the fuck he wants.”

Aldren smiled.

Mara pointed at Merrick. “Don’t encourage him.”

The party earned 928 experience points.

And then the game decided to fuck us.

The ancient kobold king unleashed some sort of secret weapon and obliterated Aldren and Lucian, leaving me with only my thief and cleric. Then another hundred kobolds attacked.

And five wild boars.

Well, FUCK YOU TOO, GAME.

Needless to say, you know what happened next.

The party had won. Then the king found another hundred kobolds and five fucking boars.

Moments Later...

Merrick opened his eyes. “Okay, that was some BULLSHIT!”

Aldren sat up slowly, holding his head. He still looked dizzy from being annihilated by the kobold king’s secret weapon. “We need to be more careful.”

Lucian pushed himself upright. “We should regroup and return once we are fully prepared. We know what to expect now, which means we can refine our strategy.”

“That’s a good idea,” Aldren said.

Mara checked her hammer. “Next time, we kill the king first.”

“Next time,” Merrick added, “I would like it formally recorded that I voted for the smaller, safer cave.”

Lucian looked at him. “The cave was not the problem.”

“Still. Put it in the record.”

The party slipped out of the kobold complex and established a camp nearby. Lucian and Mara both memorized new, considerably more effective spells for dealing with hordes of kobolds.

Somewhere inside those caves was a silver bottle of great power, an ancient kobold king with a secret weapon, another hundred tiny assholes, and at least five wild boars.

The party would be back.

The Party So Far

Aldren Kestyr — Level 7 Fighter

Now favoring a Two-Handed Sword +2 alongside his Plate Mail +2 and Gauntlets of Ogre Power. Still owns an absurdly expensive composite longbow, although he discovered in the middle of a major battle that a bow is considerably less useful when you have no arrows. Split a troll completely in half, received a quest from an actual silver dragon, and continues to call himself a dragonslayer because of the one wyvern he killed in two hits.

Mara Threl — Level 6 Cleric

Still wielding her Hammer +3 and wearing her Ring of Protection +1. Was paralyzed and dropped by a thri-kreen, became the first person in recorded history to declare a truce unacceptable on Skullcrusher’s behalf, and finally reached her limit after being repeatedly stabbed by lizard men emerging from pools of what she firmly believes was lizard piss. Memorizing something especially unpleasant for the return trip to the kobold caves.

Lucian Eldwyck — Level 6 Magic-User

Used Stinking Cloud to cripple thri-kreen and trolls, burned his way through several waves of kobolds, and used an extra Fireball scroll to erase roughly thirty of them at once. Found another magical scroll, discovered that the Ruined Castle’s anti-magic shell worked both ways, and was obliterated by the kobold king’s secret weapon before he could offer a detailed explanation of why that should not have happened.

Merrick Sorne — Level 9 Thief

Still wearing Leather Armor +4 and his Cloak of Displacement, and still carrying a Short Sword +2 and Sling of Seeking +2. Dived into a suspicious underground pool and got everyone attacked underwater, missed a dramatic revenge shot after Mara went down, wore mine tailings as a hat, and attended a midnight war meeting while freeballing. Survived the kobold king’s secret weapon only to be killed moments later by another hundred kobolds and five wild boars.

Next Time On...