Previously…
From there, they cleared Kovel Mansion and fought off an alarming number of thieves—several of whom were annoyingly competent. They also discovered two sections of the maze surrounding Valjevo Castle and learned that the mysterious asshole known as The Boss might actually be a dragon.
Oh, and Pool of Radiance briefly decided Aldren could cast Knock.
He cannot.
Lucian remains bitter about this. Merrick thinks it’s fucking hilarious.
The Council, meanwhile, had added yet another problem to the party’s ever-growing list of civic responsibilities: hordes of undead were leaving Valhingen Graveyard, crossing the river, and carrying off New Phlan’s settlers.
Naturally, they were offering a reward.
And now, with Lucian finally able to memorize Fireball and Merrick wearing enough magical equipment to survive at least several additional seconds in combat, our four idiots must decide where to go next.
Back in New Phlan, our heroes—and I use that term rather loosely—gathered around Aldren’s map and discussed their next move.
“Look, we’ve dealt with undead before,” Aldren said. “We’ll be fine!”
He did not sound remotely convinced.
“Fine?” Merrick shot back. “I guess you’ve forgotten about the two ghost fuckers who sucked our brains out, ethereally speaking, and left us dumber than Aldren trying to cast a spell.”
Aldren folded his arms. “I cast Knock twice.”
Lucian’s expression immediately soured. “No. You did not.”
“The caskets opened.”
“It was a malfunction.”
Mara smiled. “Sounds like something a lesser wizard would say.”
Lucian stared at her. “He is not a wizard.”
“Well,” Mara continued, “we do have Lucian’s new spells, as well as mine. We’re in a much better position to defend ourselves now.”
Merrick looked at her. “Just whose side are you on, woman?”
“She’s right,” Lucian said. “I think we should give it a go. Clearing the graveyard would be a major accomplishment for our party.”
“And dangerous,” Merrick added.
“Yes.”
“Full of skeletons, zombies, and level-draining ghost fuckers.”
“Potentially.”
“And we all agree this is a good idea?”
Aldren, Mara, and Lucian nodded.
Merrick sighed. “Wonderful. Democracy has failed me again.”
And so, with the matter decided—and only Merrick displaying anything resembling a healthy survival instinct—the party headed west toward Valhingen Graveyard and almost certainly a terrible fucking time.
First, they boarded a ship. Then, once outside Phlan, they were suddenly traveling through a thick forest on horseback. I have no idea where the horses came from.
I only know that we had them, as clearly depicted on the rather nice overhead wilderness map. This was an honest-to-goodness new feature for the game. Groovy.
Along the way to the graveyard—or at least in the general direction I THOUGHT the graveyard might be—the party encountered a group of traveling merchants. Aldren said hello. The merchants said hello. Then everybody continued in opposite directions.
Merrick seemed disappointed.
“What?” Aldren asked.
“I thought they might try to rob us.”
“Why would you want them to rob us?”
“Then we could kill them and take their shit without you complaining.”
Aldren stared at him.
“I’m thinking ethically now.”
The party traveled north, which was obviously the wrong direction, as they soon came upon a pyramid sitting in the middle of a lake.
Naturally, I was intrigued.
Lucian stared across the water. “That structure appears extremely old.”
“Think there’s treasure inside?” Merrick asked.
“Almost certainly.”
“Then why are we still standing here?”
Because this had all the warning signs of wandering into the wrong area of an early Final Fantasy game and immediately becoming deceased, that’s why.
So the party left the mysterious lake pyramid alone, traveled east for a bit, then followed the river south toward New Phlan. And bam.
Graveyard. Immediately, we were surrounded by descriptive text. The sky darkened. Fierce gusts of wind howled through the trees, and a swirling murk hid whatever dangerous shit might be lurking ahead.
Then lightning exploded across the sky. If zombies had a hometown, this was definitely it. The party stepped off the marked path and almost immediately encountered a collection of undead. Oh, goody.
Aldren, our party’s unappointed spokesperson, stepped forward and attempted to communicate.
“Greetings! We mean you no—”
They attacked.
“Why do you keep trying that?” Merrick yelled as he drew his short sword.
“It worked on the ghosts at Sokal Keep!”
“Then go find nicer ghosts!”
Mara raised both hands, splayed her fingers, and muttered something that sounded like incoherent gibberish to everyone who didn’t worship her particular collection of dark gods.
Instantly, half a dozen skeletons crumbled into piles of useless bone.
Merrick stopped. “You can do that now?”
“I’ve done it before.”
“I was dead for part of that.”
“Not my problem.”
Lucian watched the remaining undead stagger forward. “Her increased clerical power appears to have strengthened her ability to—”
Mara pointed toward them. “Less explaining. More killing.”
Before long, every last undead creature had been reduced to a pile of significantly less animated parts.
The party wisely returned to the path and followed it east until skeletal hands suddenly burst from the soil around them, grasping at boots, ankles, and anything else they could reach.
“Hands!” Aldren shouted.
Mara looked down. “Very observant.”
Fortunately, the hands belonged to more of the same fragile skeletons, and the party promptly beat them into powdered bone. At this point, the graveyard was beginning to feel almost manageable.
I guess the fates heard me busting their balls. A short time later, around twenty skeletons decided to ruin my party of four’s wonderful day. Worse still, Mara’s incredibly useful Turn Undead ability destroyed exactly two of them.
Merrick glanced at the eighteen skeletons still advancing. “What happened to easy mode?”
Mara tightened her grip on her flail. “Would you like me to turn you next?”
“I’m good.”
Oh, and here’s a fun tip: pointy weapons like darts seem to do fuck-all against creatures that don’t wear flesh.
This left Lucian throwing tiny metal sticks at animated bones and wondering why nothing useful was happening. Then he ran out of darts entirely.
Fantastic. It was around this point I realized I had once again failed to memorize many spells that would be useful against the undead. Except Fireball. There was always Fireball.
Even my fortune cookie would have said one word: FIREBALL.
Still, I hoped the party might find somewhere safe to camp, rest, and rememorize a slightly less idiotic selection of spells. You know what they say about wishing in one hand and shitting in the other. I don’t remember the exact wording, but you definitely end up holding shit.
Despite these setbacks, the party was doing surprisingly well against the skeletal onslaught. I mean, Merrick hadn’t fallen unconscious yet, so this was already shaping up to be a potential win.
Eventually, the final skeleton collapsed. As the dust cleared, the party found themselves standing before a tower whose door was emitting noxious fumes. Naturally, they entered.
Merrick covered his nose. “The door is breathing poison.”
“Then we should proceed cautiously,” Aldren said.
Mara shoved it open.
“Caution complete.”
Inside, a staircase beckoned them upward. At the top, a shadowy creature floated over the floor, busily creating new skeletons. The moment it noticed them, the spectre attacked.
Then Mara did something pretty fucking cool. She raised her holy symbol, invoked the power of her gods, and Turned the spectre.
The creature recoiled, spun around, and fled toward the rear of the tower. Or floated. Whatever the fuck a spectre does when it runs away.
“After it!” Aldren shouted.
This time, nobody argued. The party chased the spectre into a corner and beat its incorporeal ass into oblivion before it could recover. Then each member of the party gained 3,351 experience points.
Holy shit. They also divided 2,000 gold, 555 platinum, and several pieces of jewelry. Merrick checked the rest of the small tower room but found nothing else.
He looked at the treasure again. “You know, I may have misjudged this graveyard.”
Lucian raised an eyebrow. “We have explored one tower.”
“And made a small fortune.”
“You wanted to leave before we arrived.”
“People change.”
Lucian folded his arms. “Hmph.”
With Lucian out of darts and everyone carrying a considerable amount of new wealth, the party decided to return to New Phlan to regroup, rest, and handle all the other etceteras that come with being a band of adventuring assholes.
While they were there, they dropped in on their favorite city clerk, whose name I still did not know. She informed them their recent work in the graveyard had earned the party another 562 experience points, along with a small handful of gold, platinum, and jewelry.
Merrick smiled. “See? Best graveyard ever.”
They also stopped at the local store and purchased Lucian a fresh supply of darts. Then they went back.
Moments after returning to Valhingen, the party discovered another tower, this one surrounded by ominous piles of hair and fur. The doors flew open and a small horde of zombies rushed them.
Mara raised her holy symbol. Most of the zombies immediately turned and fled.
“I take it back,” Merrick said. “Easy mode is working again.”
Mara pointed at the remaining zombies. “Go make yourself useful.”
With most of the horde running in the opposite direction, the rest were quickly destroyed.
Inside the tower, the party found a lower chamber filled with old clothing and rusted armor. All of it appeared completely useless.
Aldren picked up a torn shirt, held it against his chest, and turned toward Mara.
“Well? What do you think?”
Then he posed. Awkwardly.
Mara, Lucian, and Merrick stopped dead in their tracks. For several long seconds, they could only stare, shocked by the warrior’s sudden attempt at being playful while climbing a potentially occupied undead tower.
Mara finally looked him over. “Well… I’ve seen worse.”
Aldren smiled.
Lucian examined the torn fabric. “It is most likely contaminated with several varieties of mold.”
He leaned closer.
“Or possibly some form of flesh-eating bacteria.”
Aldren immediately dropped it. The party carried on up the tower until they encountered yet another spectre operating its own little undead assembly line—zombies this time.
They decided to skip the pleasantries and just kill the fucking thing.
As it turned out, that was surprisingly easy. Aldren and Mara beat the spectre senseless before it had a chance to do anything remotely dangerous.
The party earned 2,275 experience points for its ghostbusting efforts, along with a healthy amount of gold, platinum, and gems.
“That’s another spectre dealt with,” Lucian said as he smoothed out his robes. “I do wonder how many of these vile creatures exist. It would certainly explain the onslaught of undead New Phlan has been experiencing.”
“To be honest, Lucy, I hadn’t noticed,” Merrick said while searching the room for anything remotely secret or treasure-like.
Lucian frowned. “Hadn’t noticed?”
“Well, yeah. Did YOU see any undead around New Phlan recently?”
“No.”
“Exactly. It’s all connected.”
Mara shook her head. “What in the fucking hell are you blathering about now, thief?”
Merrick looked at her incredulously. Aldren was also staring at them, but probably not really paying attention, so we’ll just say he was there for this conversation.
“Look, just because they SAID there was an undead threat doesn’t necessarily mean there WAS an undead threat. Don’t get me wrong, I like the quest reward stuff. I’m just saying.”
“Saying what?” Mara asked.
“That the Council wants us to THINK there’s an undead threat.”
Lucian blinked. “There are undead throughout this entire graveyard.”
“Right where the Council told us they would be.”
“Because this is the graveyard.”
“Exactly.”
Mara stared at him. “Who do you believe is behind this?”
Merrick looked around, then lowered his voice. “Them.”
“The undead?” Aldren asked.
“No. The Council.”
Lucian rubbed his temples. “The undead are not currently in New Phlan because we are killing them here.”
Merrick pointed at him. “See? It’s all connected.”
Nobody knew what he meant. Least of all Merrick. The party exited the tower and continued exploring until they discovered a third one. Unfortunately, this tower was guarded by three level-draining wights. Oh, joy.
A battle ensued.
Thankfully, Mara managed to Turn all three of the fuckers before they could touch anyone. They fled down a narrow hallway, and the party followed until the wights found themselves trapped at a dead end.
Aldren, being the smart person he almost never was, kept his distance and pulled out his composite longbow.
“Like shooting fish in a barrel!” he said.
Merrick looked at him. “So you shoot fish in barrels?”
“No. It’s a saying.”
“Who puts fish in a barrel?”
“Fishermen?”
“Then why shoot them? They’re already caught.”
Lucian raised one finger. “The expression refers to an unusually easy target due to—”
Mara cut him off. “Please don’t.”
Aldren continued firing until, naturally, he ran out of arrows. Then he charged the final wight.
“Aldren, wait!” Lucian shouted.
Too late. The wight reached through his armor and drained an entire level from him. Aldren staggered, suddenly weaker, less experienced, and considerably dumber for his efforts. He still managed to finish the creature off.
Mara shook her head. “You’re lucky I have a scroll for that.”
The party received 491 experience points each. Then Mara read a Restoration spell from one of her clerical scrolls, returning Aldren to level 6.
He straightened. “I feel better.”
“Try not to touch any more level-draining undead,” Mara said.
“It touched me.”
“You charged it.”
“I had no arrows.”
Merrick shrugged. “Fish in a barrel.”
The lower chamber of the third tower was filled with objects made of glass and fur in every imaginable shape and size. As the party looked around, a sharp crack split the air and something struck Aldren in the back of the head for four damage.
“What the heck!?”
Merrick looked around. “Drive-by fruiting.”
Mara shook her head. “Don’t you mean a run-by fruiting?”
“No. Drive-by.”
“It was run-by.”
“I’m pretty sure it was drive-by.”
“Well, you’re wrong.”
Aldren rubbed the back of his head. “What are either of you talking about?”
Merrick looked at Mara. “You know. That old lady who threw fruit at the guy.”
“It wasn’t an old lady.”
“Of course it was.”
“It was a man disguised as an old lady.”
Merrick frowned. “That doesn’t sound right.”
Lucian looked between them. “Did either of you actually witness this event?”
“No,” they said together.
There was a pause.
Merrick shrugged. “Mandela effect.”
Lucian frowned. “Who is Mandela?”
“No idea.”
Mara started up the stairs. “It was run-by.”
For the record, Mara was right.
Moments later, Merrick stopped near the top of the tower. “Hey, look. Another one of those spectre thingies.”
Mara quickly Turned it. And IT turned and fled. Or floated away. Whatever.
Aldren sighed and started after it. “I’ll get it.”
“Don’t touch it this time,” Mara warned.
Aldren stopped. “I don’t have any magical arrows left. The normal ones just kinda go pew and pass right through.”
Mara closed her eyes. “For fuck’s sake.”
Lucian glanced at Aldren’s broadsword. “You do possess a magical weapon.”
“Yes, but using it requires me to stand near the spectre.”
“Correct.”
“Which is what Mara just told me not to do.”
Lucian considered that. “Also correct.”
Mara pushed past both of them, raised her flail, and charged.
“Fine. I’ll do it myself.”
She caught the fleeing spectre at the far end of the tower and beat it out of existence.
The party gained another 3,351 experience points and collected so much treasure they could no longer carry all of it.
Merrick looked at the leftover coins, visibly pained. “Back to town?”
“It would appear so,” Lucian said.
Back in New Phlan, the city clerk awarded them another 1,606 experience points for their efforts in the graveyard. Then they stopped at the training hall.
Lucian advanced to level 6 and was permitted to add another spell to his spellbook. He selected the first-level spell Charm Person.
Merrick watched him copy it. “So now you can make people like you?”
“Temporarily influence them, yes.”
“You should cast it on us.”
Lucian looked up. “Why?”
“Might be your only chance.”
Lucian went back to writing. Merrick also gained a level, bringing him to level 7. The party spent the night at their favorite hostel, then made their way back to Valhingen Graveyard. Again.
As you may have guessed, they eventually found more of those dirty undead mothertruckers lurking about.
In the southeasternish corner of the graveyard, the party discovered an open tower door. A rather large horde of zombies came pouring through it and quickly surrounded them. To battle!
Mara instantly destroyed eight of the creatures with Turn Undead, but the party remained badly outnumbered and started taking some real damage from the brain-sucking bastards.
Naturally, Lucian had an idea with the word “ball” in it.
A tiny point of light streaked into the center of the zombie horde. BOOM. Soon, the forces of evil were on fire and, after some brief flailing, not moving very much.
Aldren looked around. “Everyone okay?”
Merrick sniffed the air. Something smelled like burning hair.
“I think Lucy singed some of my face with that Fireball. I can smell the distinct aroma of roasted eyebrow with a hint of rosemary.”
Lucian inspected him. “You still appear to possess both eyebrows.”
“Appear?”
“The left one is somewhat diminished.”
Merrick’s eyes widened. “DIMINISHED?”
Mara walked toward the tower. “It’s an improvement.”
Inside, they encountered a single zombie with gray skin and hate-filled eyes.
Lucian stopped. “It’s a juju zombie.”
Aldren raised an eyebrow. “A what?”
“A juju zombie. It is a more powerful undead creature created through dark magic.”
Merrick looked at it. “So… a fancy zombie.”
Lucian frowned. “That is an offensively simplistic description.”
Mara pointed toward it. “Does it die when hit with a magical sword?”
“Presumably.”
Aldren walked forward and thwacked the creature across the face with his broadsword. It died.
Mara looked at Lucian. “Fancy.”
The juju zombie had been carrying a shortbow, which was more than likely magical in some way.
After the spectacularly anticlimactic fight, the party searched the now very empty tower. Their efforts earned each of them another 1,531 experience points, along with a potion, a wand, and several clerical scrolls.
Things were going well.
Suspiciously well. The party continued exploring until they approached a huge tower with a single barred entrance. As they drew near, voices cried out from somewhere within.
“We are the spirits of those who fought the dragons. Leave us or die.”
This party did not leave. They were subsequently attacked by wights, zombies, and at least one mummified problem.
Then they died. All of them.
Moments Later…
Merrick opened his eyes. “Okay. Fuck that!”
Lucian adjusted his robes. “I think if we were better prepared, we could take them.”
Merrick pointed toward the tower. “Was that a mummy? I think there was a mummy in there!”
“Yes,” Lucian said. “I believe so.”
“So they have wights, zombies, AND a mummy?”
Mara shrugged. “Then we prepare for wights, zombies, and a mummy.”
“You say that like you have a spell called Make All That Shit Go Away.”
Lucian raised a finger. “Fireball comes remarkably close.”
Merrick glared at him.
Aldren unfolded the map. “Before we try again, perhaps we should explore the remaining crypts and see if we can learn anything useful.”
“Fine,” Merrick said. “Anywhere that isn’t there.”
A few minutes later, they entered a dark crypt. There was a mummy inside. Of course there was.
Mara immediately Turned it, sending the creature stumbling toward the rear of the chamber. Aldren gave chase but caught his boot in the mummy’s unraveling bandages. It struck him before he could regain his footing.
Aldren responded by slicing the fucker clean in half.
Aldren looked down at the festering wound spreading across his arm. “Am I going to die?”
Mara examined it. “Probably.”
“Can you fix me?”
Merrick’s eyes widened. “Dude, I think your ear just fell off!”
Aldren immediately grabbed both ears. “Stop it! This isn’t funny!”
Merrick backed away. “Just stay away from me with your fucking cooties!”
Lucian studied the wound. “We should return to New Phlan and have him treated before the disease advances.”
“I can heal him,” Mara said. “I just need somewhere safe to rest and prepare the proper spell.”
Aldren continued holding both ears. “They’re still there, right?”
Mara started toward the exit. “For now. I’d worry about what falls off next.”
Merrick giggled. Aldren did not. After a brief stop in New Phlan and a night spent at the hostel, Mara removed the disease and Aldren was as good as new. Mostly.
“See?” Mara said. “You’re fine.”
Aldren touched his ears again.
Merrick smiled. “For now.”
“Stop saying that!”
Naturally, the party swung by Town Hall to collect its quest pittance for eliminating even more undead fuckers. The clerk awarded them one experience point. One. FUCKING. XP.
Merrick stared at her. “Is this a joke?”
“Your efforts are appreciated.”
“Are they?”
Aldren grabbed him by the arm. “Thank you, ma’am. We’ll be going now.”
By then, I had begun to notice that the sheer weight of the party’s wealth was seriously impeding its ability to carry shit. Gold is wonderful right up until your adventurers have to haul fifty thousand pieces of it around in their pants.
So began a new quest. Find something—anything—in New Phlan worth buying.
Anyways, while searching for somewhere to unload their giant wad of cash, the party revisited the silver shop. There, mounted prominently upon the wall, was a fine composite longbow priced at 25,000 gold.
Aldren stared at it. Then he pointed.
“I’ll take it.”
The entire party looked at him like he had gone mad.
Merrick blinked. “Excuse me?”
“And forty silver arrows as well,” Aldren added.
Mara stared at the price. “Have you gone mad? That bow is twenty-five thousand gold!”
Aldren shrugged. “Look, we need an advantage against the undead, right?”
“For twenty-five thousand gold,” Merrick said, “that bow better clear the fucking graveyard from here.”
Lucian examined the bow. “A weapon of this craftsmanship, combined with silver ammunition, could provide a considerable advantage against incorporeal—”
“Don’t encourage him,” Merrick said.
Aldren lifted one of the party’s bulging coin sacks. “We have more money than we can carry. This makes us lighter and better prepared.”
Mara considered that. “Annoyingly sensible.”
Merrick looked stricken. “I liked being rich.”
“We’re still rich,” Aldren said.
“Are we? Because it looks like you’re converting some of MY gold into a bow YOU own.”
And so Aldren bought a really, REALLY expensive bow. And forty silver arrows. Problem solved.
He slung the bow across his back. “Well, what do you all say? One more round in the graveyard?”
Merrick stared at the empty coin bags. “We just spent twenty-five thousand gold so you can shoot dead people more accurately.”
“Undead people.”
“That does not make me feel better.”
Mara opened the door. “Come on, thief. The faster we finish this, the faster you can start getting rich again.”
Merrick sighed and followed.
“Fine. But I’m taking the next twenty-five thousand gold we find.”
And so they returned to the wights, zombies, and other unpleasant shit guarding the huge tower. It was probably a poor decision, but a decision it was. And seriously, fuck those undead guys.
Fuck ’em straight to the land of fuckery. Lucian opened with Fireball. Mara followed with Turn Undead. This time, the army inside the tower entrance stopped looking quite so insurmountable.
Lucian sent Magic Missiles tearing through two of the wights while Aldren and Merrick dealt with whatever Mara had not already destroyed or sent running. Soon, only a handful of zombies and a single wight remained.
Best of all, nobody had lost a level to their level-draining spectral fingering or whatever the fuck they do. The final wight fell.
The party received a respectable 918 experience points each and finally gained access to the huge tower.
Inside, our four adventurers discovered a single crypt. Floating above it was a wraith, who immediately made the sort of self-important declaration I assume all wraiths make.
“I am the protector of the paladin. I guard his remains for all eternity. Leave or suffer.”
Merrick chuckled. Mara smiled. Lucian pulled out a mass of old scrolls, and Aldren tightened his grip on his sword.
Merrick stepped forward. “I do believe you are about to become fucked.”
Combat began!
Having depleted his first-level spells during the battle outside, Lucian pulled out his Wand of Magic Missiles and used it for the first time. Mara raised her holy symbol and successfully Turned the wraith.
The eternal protector immediately fled.
Merrick watched it disappear down the passage. “Did the eternal protector just run away?”
“Float away,” Lucian corrected.
“Either way, eternity is going badly.”
Aldren charged after it and landed the killing blow. The party collected 179 experience points each for killing the poor, defenseless, magically terrified spirit.
Afterward, they opened the crypt and found the fully equipped remains of a mighty warrior. Merrick proceeded to loot the fuck out of him.
Another 900 experience points, a Magic-User scroll, a potion, a hammer, a sling, and a clerical scroll were now theirs for the taking.
Before long, the party came across a particularly sinister-looking crypt. Inside was a coffin filled with dust, several broken crosses, vials of spilled holy water, and a single scroll.
The game gave us the choice of reading it. All four party members wanted to. No Decision Die needed. And thus we received a new entry in our journal.
ENTRY 43:
A loosely wrapped scroll.
“Aramalg-the-Good, paladin and brother of Taimalg-the-Invincible, and Sarasim of Teshwave, the high priestess of Sune, attacked the denizens of the Valhingen Graveyard with a holy vengeance. They came in search of Taimalg and his mercenary band, who assaulted the graveyard and did not return.
“Sarasim used her holy power to dissipate and turn the undead that confronted them. Aramalg wielded his vorpal sword and slew the few that fought her power.
“Together, Aramalg and Sarasim penetrated the graveyard to an evil marble crypt. They found and splintered an empty coffin, blessing the remains and sprinkling it with holy water. Then they confronted the owner of the coffin, a creature of great evil and the leader of the undead in Valhingen, an ancient vampire. The three began a furious melee.
“The vampire was swayed by Aramalg and Sarasim’s power, but would not be turned. The vampire shouted, ‘I have defeated Taimalg and his warriors, I will defeat the brother of Taimalg as well.’
“The vampire summoned an army of rats and tried to charm Sarasim to his side, but to no avail. Sarasim resisted his charm and Aramalg charged through the massed vermin. The vampire fell before the mighty blows of Aramalg’s holy sword and Sarasim’s enchanted mace.
“Defeated, the ancient vampire dissolved into gas and fled to his coffin. Finding the coffin destroyed he returned to solid form and screamed. Seizing the moment Aramalg grabbed the vampire and held him with all of his strength. Sarasim ran up and drove an oaken stake through the vampire’s heart.
“Aramalg and Sarasim performed the proper rituals to banish the vampire forever. Then, wounded, Aramalg and Sarasim left Valhingen Graveyard. It was beyond their power to completely cleanse the evil place, but they had extracted proper vengeance for the death of Taimalg and his troops.”
Lucian lowered the scroll. “Ah. Vampires. I have never seen one, but I have read of their foul existence.”
Merrick pointed toward the coffin. “So the thing controlling this graveyard might be another vampire?”
“Or the same one, if the ritual failed,” Lucian said.
Aldren frowned. “The scroll says they banished it forever.”
Mara looked around the undead-infested graveyard. “They also failed to cleanse the place. Perhaps their definition of forever was flexible.”
Merrick sighed. “So two legendary heroes already came here, killed the ancient vampire, and still left us the cleanup.”
“What should we do with this thing?” he asked.
“The coffin?” Aldren said. “I suppose we could examine it further before we go mucking about with it.”
“Couldn’t you sanctify it, Mara?” Lucian asked.
Mara nodded. “I could. Even the dark gods I worship hate these fucking guys.”
Everyone agreed this was the best option, once again avoiding a dice roll. Mara scattered the dust, invoked her divine power, and placed the remaining holy items inside the coffin. Then everyone waited. Nothing happened.
Merrick looked inside. “Kinda not that exciting.”
“Sometimes the most important things we do are mundane to the senses,” Lucian said.
“Sure, Lucy. Whatever.”
Later, outside yet another decrepit crypt, the party encountered two more spectres. Merrick, who had grown increasingly tired of being utterly useless against incorporeal undead, equipped the sling they had taken from the paladin’s crypt.
The weapon felt strangely warm in his hands. He loaded a stone, pulled back, and released. The rock tore straight through one of the spectres’ veiled forms, doing surprisingly substantial damage.
Merrick stared at the sling.
“Fuck yeah!”
Lucian followed with Fireball and finished both creatures off. The party gained another 1,015 experience points and access to the crypt beyond them. Deep inside, a spectral voice called out.
“Come, my brave adventurers. You must take my gifts to better fight the evil that has come to the city.”
Merrick looked around. “Free magical shit?”
Aldren smiled. “Gifts to help us fight evil.”
“That’s what I said.”
The party received 1,200 experience points each, plate mail, a long sword, a ring, a shield, and four clerical scrolls.
As they made their way back toward the main section of the graveyard, a man clad in mystic robes approached them.
“Hail, noble adventurers! I would ask you to help me end this foul undead curse.”
The game presented me with a choice: let him join the party or send him away. This was Decision Die territory.
Aldren thought another capable adventurer could be useful. Mara did not trust some strange robed man who had materialized in the middle of an undead graveyard. Lucian agreed with Mara’s assessment, and Merrick had absolutely no interest in splitting the treasure five ways.
Three wanted him gone. Only Aldren wanted him along. So a 1, 2, or 3 meant we sent him away. A 4 meant we accepted his help. I rolled. A 1.
Aldren stepped forward. “Even though I am personally against this decision, my party members and I must thoughtfully decline.”
Merrick leaned around him. “Yeah. Lick pavement. We don’t need your help.”
An evil look entered the man’s eyes. He grinned, then laughed.
“Then die, scum!”
A battle began! Aldren struck first, opening a nasty wound across one of the stranger’s legs with his broadsword. Lucian pulled out one of his many scrolls and cast Ray of Enfeeblement.
Soon, the strange man was reduced to a bleeding pile of considerably enfeebled flesh. The party earned a little over 200 experience points each and took a strange ring from his corpse.
Lucian stared down at him. “Well. That was unexpected.”
Merrick looked around. “Welp. Now what?”
“I don’t entirely know,” Mara said.
Aldren unfolded his map. “It looks like we’ve visited every marked location. The undead population appears to be dwindling. To town?”
Everyone agreed. Back in New Phlan, the city clerk awarded each party member another 1,650 experience points for clearing more undead. It would also appear they were not finished yet.
Merrick shouted, “The fuck!?”
“Merrick!” Aldren scolded him. Then he turned toward the clerk. “Please don’t pay any attention to our friend. It’s been a long day. We will return to the graveyard and complete this quest. Don’t you worry!”
“Yes,” the clerk replied. “I’m sure you will.”
Merrick threw up his hands. “We killed everything with a pulse, and most of that shit didn’t even HAVE a pulse!”
Lucian folded his arms. “There must still be some controlling entity we have not located.”
“Or one we haven’t killed properly,” Mara added.
The party stopped at the local store and sorted through the large pile of shit they had accumulated.
Aldren upgraded to the equipment they had taken from the warrior’s crypt: a Long Sword +2 and Plate Mail +2. Mara claimed a shiny new Hammer +3. Lucian took the Ring of Protection found on the strange man who had attacked them, and Merrick discovered his new weapon was a Sling of Seeking +2.
“Well,” Mara said, testing the balance of her new hammer, “guess we missed something.”
And so they went back. One final time. I hoped. Once there, they discovered a small building they had somehow missed during their previous visits.
Merrick stared at it. “Huh. Who put this here?”
The moment they stepped inside, a horde of skeletons attacked. The battle lasted roughly one minute, thanks almost entirely to Mara’s Turn Undead ability. Farther in, the party encountered one enormous skeleton.
Merrick looked up. “Well, you don’t see that every day.”
Lucian studied it. “Perhaps it is the reanimated skeleton of a troll or ogre.”
Mara glanced at Aldren. “Speaking of trolls, don’t we have some unfinished business back in the Slums?”
Aldren pointed his new sword toward the approaching bone fiend. “Later, Mara!”
They dispatched the giant skeleton with embarrassing ease and received a measly 67 experience points for their trouble.
Merrick sheathed his sword. “Well. That was easy.”
Then he found a marble chest.
“Schwing!”
They opened it and received… 7,642 experience points. Each. Holy fuck balls, that was a lot of XP. They also collected another wad of cash and four clerical scrolls.
Outside, Aldren unfolded the map. Merrick looked over his shoulder. “That had to be it.”
Lucian shook his head. “A giant skeleton hiding inside a small outbuilding seems an unlikely master of an entire graveyard.”
“It was very giant.”
“It was also very dead,” Mara added.
Aldren studied the graveyard around them. “The clerk described a powerful and intelligent undead creature.”
Merrick shrugged. “Maybe it was quiet.”
Lucian stared at him. “It was a skeleton.”
“Fine. We keep looking.”
We scoured every inch of that map again until we returned to the strange northwestern corner where it looked like a door SHOULD exist, yet didn’t.
I had repeatedly hit LOOK on every segment of that wall before, but you know what? Fuck it. This was a DOS game from the eighties. A few moments later… Yup. Fucking stairs.
Northwestern corner of the map.
Maybe they appeared after we slaughtered the mystic robed man. Maybe they appeared after opening the marble chest. Maybe they had been there the entire time and the game simply enjoyed watching me suffer.
Whatever. We were here. AHEM.
Aldren spotted a wooden stairway descending into the darkness. “Look! A staircase!”
Mara smiled. “Very good. Next we’ll see if you can identify a ladder. Or even a door.”
“Hardy har har.” Aldren looked around. “Wait. Where’s Merrick?”
His voice echoed from below.
“YOU GUYS COMING OR WHAT?”
At the bottom of the stairs waited a tall, pale man with very white teeth.
Well. There was our vampire. A battle ensued.
Lucian pulled out the newly acquired Wand of Lightning and sent a bolt tearing through the chamber. It slammed into the vampire, doing a considerable amount of damage.
Unfortunately, the creature caught Mara’s gaze and charmed her. She was now fighting for the other team.
Aldren charged and sliced across the vampire’s arm. Lucian spotted another opening, raised the wand again, and put the pale bastard down for good. Or so I thought.
Because that’s when the worst possible thing happened. Mara, still under the dead vampire’s spell because apparently killing the vampire did not cancel the fucking enchantment, cast Hold Person on the entire party.
Then she killed them one by one. And finally herself.
Moments Later…
Merrick glared at her. “What the fuck, Mara!?”
“It wasn’t my fault! The bastard had me hypnotized!”
“Sure. Just like Skullcrusher did, huh?”
Mara’s hand tightened around her new hammer. “You keep his name out of your fucking mouth.”
“Quiet, you two!” Aldren said with a surprising amount of authority. “Look, THIS time, stay away from his gaze. Lucian, same plan as before. Hit him with that wand of yours. Everybody understand?”
The other three nodded.
Aldren clapped his hands once. “Okay. Break!”
They stared at him.
“What?”
This time, they took the vampire down in a matter of minutes, along with his three wolf minions.
The party received 1,145 experience points each. Seconds later, the vampire’s body dissolved into a vapor cloud and floated away.
“Well! We did it!” Aldren said.
“Yup,” Merrick replied, already pushing and pulling at anything in the room that looked remotely movable. “Now help me search.”
And, because he was Merrick, he found the vampire’s treasure trove.
The party earned another 4,700 experience points each and collected a slew of valuable scrolls. Sadly, they had to leave around 5,000 gold behind because nobody could carry another fucking thing.
Merrick stood over the coins in absolute despair. “We can make room.”
Aldren shook his head. “We cannot carry another coin.”
“Take off your armor.”
“No.”
Merrick looked at Mara. “Drop some scrolls.”
“No.”
“Lucy?”
Lucian adjusted his robes. “The aggregate weight exceeds our remaining carrying capacity.”
“I know what weight is!” Merrick shouted.
Mara walked toward the stairs. “Then carry it yourself.”
“I’m trying!”
The other three left. Merrick remained alone for several seconds, desperately stuffing coins into places where coins had absolutely no business going. Then he followed.
The party returned to New Phlan as proper heroes of the day. At Town Hall, the clerk awarded each of them another 3,132 experience points for their efforts.
Then she informed them the graveyard STILL wasn’t clear. Merrick’s left eye twitched.
“What the fuck?”
“Merrick?” Aldren warned.
“No. Seriously. WHAT. THE. FUCK?”
The clerk remained unmoved. “The undead threat persists.”
“We killed the vampire!”
Lucian shook his head. “Technically, we reduced the vampire to gaseous form.”
Merrick turned toward him. “Same thing.”
“It is very much not the same thing.”
“Whatever.”
With absolutely no idea where the vampire had gone, we returned to Valhingen and started searching the entire fucking graveyard. Again.
Every tower. Every crypt. Every suspicious corner. Several not-at-all-suspicious corners because, at this point, I was running out of ideas. Eventually, the party wandered back to the crypt containing the coffin Mara had sanctified earlier.
And there he was. The fucking vampire. The creature had returned to solid form, but it looked weak, desperate, and extremely unhappy to see them. The feeling was mutual.
“Lucy,” Merrick said, pointing toward it. “Light him up.”
Lucian began casting. The vampire tried to move. Too late. Fireball, folks. And just like that, it was over.
The party received another 995 experience points each. The winds died, the murk began to lift, and for the first time since they entered Valhingen, the graveyard fell completely silent.
This time, when they returned to New Phlan, the town clerk finally confirmed it: Valhingen Graveyard was clear.
Each member of the party received 14,687 experience points—the largest single experience reward earned in the entire game so far. FUCK. YEAH.
A trip to the training hall followed. Aldren reached level 7, and Merrick reached level 8.
Merrick looked at the others. “Well… now what?”
The Party So Far
Valhingen Graveyard is finally clear. Actually clear. No ghosts. No wights. No skeletons crawling out of the dirt. No vampire hiding behind a wall the game refused to admit contained stairs. Probably.
Aldren Kestyr — Level 7 Fighter
Mara Threl — Level 6 Cleric
Lucian Eldwyck — Level 6 Magic-User
Merrick Sorne — Level 8 Thief
Next Time On…
Unfortunately, New Phlan still has problems.
The polluted river. The nomads. The kobold alliance. Valjevo Castle. The Boss.
Possibly a dragon.
But first?
Maybe our four heroes can go somewhere that doesn’t drain their levels, hypnotize their cleric, or force them to visit the same goddamn graveyard six times.
Just once.