Previously...
One of those jobs came from Bishop Braccio, who saddled the party with an overly enthusiastic cleric named Dirten and sent them north to cleanse the Temple of Bane. Naturally, Merrick convinced everyone to use Dirten to clear the Wealthy District first.
Unfortunately for Merrick, the Wealthy District had about zero percent wealth in it.
The Temple of Bane, however?
Well, that was an exercise in party patience.
Dirten smashed the altar, approximately forty heavily armed orcs poured through the doors, and everybody died. Then they came back, Dirten smashed the altar again, and everybody died again.
So when Dirten immediately tried to smash it for a third time, Mara solved the problem by knocking him unconscious.
And now, let’s join our heroic party, along with Dirten, as they try to clear the temple without becoming bloody corpses.
With Dirten temporarily napping, the party traded ideas on how to unfuck themselves.
True to the plan they had made roughly thirty seconds ago, they searched for anything that might let them deal with the altar without starting another massacre. Walls. Floors. Pillars. The altar. The enormous doors. The same walls again because Merrick insisted he might have missed something.
Nothing useful. No hidden mechanism. No secret exit. No convenient lever labeled DISABLE ORC HORDE.
They could hear a large number of guards gathering outside the temple doors—the same guards who would inevitably charge inside the moment the altar was violently destroyed. Why they were waiting for that specific thing to happen was a mystery to me.
Anyways, Dirten began to stir.
Mara looked down at him. “Oh, joy.”
The cleric groaned, pushed himself upright, and rubbed the back of his head. “Ugh... by Tyr, what foul magic is this?”
“You fainted,” Mara said.
Dirten stared at her. “I fainted?”
“Yup.”
“Me?”
“Yup.”
“Never!”
“Well, you did. Hit your head too, I think.”
Merrick leaned against a nearby pillar. “Psst! Hey, big guy. It appears we’re in a bit of a pickle here. Outside there’s a small army of orcs with bows and shit waiting for us to leave so they can gnaw on our bones.”
Dirten looked toward the temple doors. “And?”
Merrick blinked. “And so we’re kinda fucked here.”
Suddenly, Dirten’s eyes lit up. “The altar! By the faith of Tyr, we must destroy it!”
Everyone froze.
Dirten charged toward the altar, but Aldren stepped directly in front of him. “And we will! But first we need a plan. We’ve already kinda died twice.”
Dirten stopped and thought.
Mara watched him. “Don’t hurt yourself.”
He WAS thinking pretty fucking hard, so it was still a possibility. Merrick thought he could smell burning toast.
So far, the orcs had overpowered them twice, Merrick had developed an alarming habit of being the first person to fall over, and throwing Sleep and Stinking Cloud at the problem was only delaying the inevitable.
I checked everybody’s inventory and noticed something interesting. Merrick’s Cloak of Displacement.
Aldren was already the one person who could stay standing after everybody else had been turned into floor paste. Giving him the cloak would drop his Armor Class to a ridiculous -3.
The decision was obvious. AHEM.
Aldren turned toward Merrick. “Hey, Merrick. Let me borrow that cloak.”
Merrick immediately clutched it around himself. “No.”
“It could help us survive.”
“It helps ME survive.”
Lucian stepped forward. “Actually, Aldren’s reasoning is sound. He has the best chance of surviving prolonged combat.”
Merrick stared at him. “You want me to give away the magical cloak that makes people miss me?”
“Temporarily.”
“No.”
Mara held out her hand. “Give him the cloak.”
“I said no!”
She walked behind Merrick, ripped the cloak off his shoulders, and tossed it to Aldren.
“WHAT THE FUCK!”
“Problem solved,” Mara said.
Merrick stared at her. “You just stole my cloak!”
“You’re a thief.”
“That’s completely different!”
Aldren put it on. “Thank you, Merrick.”
“I DIDN’T GIVE IT TO YOU!”
Dirten raised his mace. “Are we prepared?”
Merrick folded his arms. “No.”
Aldren drew his broadsword. “Okay, Dirten. Do your thing.”
Dirten’s face lit up.
“FOR TYR!”
He raised his mace high over his head and sent it crashing through the altar. The enormous doors flew open.
Lucian immediately spotted the blue-robed cleric who had caused so much trouble in the previous battles.
“Oh, no you don’t.”
He dropped a Stinking Cloud around the bastard, hoping to stop another endless barrage of Hold Person spells. Mara froze three more orcs in place while Aldren charged directly into the cloud.
The blue-robed cleric staggered out just in time to find Aldren’s broadsword heading toward his neck. One swing. His head came off, bounced once, and rolled across the floor. Well. That solved THAT fucking problem.
Then Merrick took an arrow to the face and dropped. Lucian watched him fall. Then he looked at the orcs. Then back at Merrick. Something inside the man finally snapped.
He reached into his robes, pulled out the scroll, unrolled it, and began to read. A tiny point of light streaked across the temple. Then— BOOM. Fire. Fucking everywhere.
More than half of the orcs disappeared inside an enormous explosion. When the flames finally cleared, the stone floor was covered in a smoldering mound of charbroiled orc flesh.
I stared at the screen. Holy. Fuck. That was AWESOME! Aldren slowly lowered his sword. Mara stared at the smoking pile. Even Dirten seemed momentarily speechless. Lucian looked extremely fucking proud of himself.
Merrick was still unconscious, which was unfortunate because he REALLY would have enjoyed that. Like, a lot. Mara quickly bandaged him and stopped the bleeding while Lucian cast Sleep, dropping another group of orcs.
From there, Mara threw out Hold Person, Aldren carved his way through whatever remained standing, and Dirten did his thing—which wasn’t much, to be honest.
“We’re doing it!” Aldren shouted. “Keep going!”
“FOR TYR!” Dirten screamed.
Mara glared at him. Eventually, there were no more orcs. The temple fell silent. And we fucking won.
That was easily the hardest motherfucking battle I had fought so far, and without that single Fireball scroll sitting in Lucian’s inventory, I honestly don’t know if I would have gotten through it.
Each member of the party earned... 448 experience points. Seriously? We just killed half the fucking Orcish National Guard and everybody got 448 XP?
We also collected a few hundred silver. These were some poor-ass orcs.
Dirten surveyed the shattered altar. “The evil of this place has been cleansed! I must remain here and protect this holy sanctuary!”
Mara wiped blood from her flail. “Wonderful.”
“Tyr has triumphed this day!”
“Awesome. Please leave. Now.”
“Farewell, my friends! May Tyr guide your steps!”
And just like that, Dirten left the party.
Merrick slowly opened his eyes. “Um... guys? What the fuck happened?”
Mara helped him sit up. “One minute you were stabbing an orc, then you got hit in the face.”
“So... everybody’s dead.”
Aldren pointed toward Lucian. “He used Fireball.”
Merrick looked at Lucian, then at the blackened pile of bodies, then back at Lucian.
“You did THAT?”
“Yes.”
“You could do that THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME?”
“No. I had a scroll.”
“A Fireball scroll?”
“Yes.”
“And you’ve been carrying it around through all the times we died?”
Lucian sighed. “I was saving it.”
“For WHAT? Our fucking funerals?”
Lucian looked offended.
Merrick gazed at the smoldering remains again. “Lucy.”
“Do not—”
“This is beautiful.”
Lucian paused. “Thank you.”
With the Temple of Bane finally cleared, the party made camp, healed, rested, and rememorized their spells. Merrick, however, was troubled.
“You know what bothers me?”
Mara didn’t even look up. “Everything?”
“No treasure.”
Aldren sighed. “We just defeated an entire temple full of evil worshippers.”
“Exactly! Where’s their shit?”
“Maybe they gave all of it away to less fortunate orcs,” Mara said.
Merrick looked horrified. “That isn’t funny.”
Aldren took off the Cloak of Displacement and tossed it back to him. “Guess I didn’t need this after all.”
Merrick immediately wrapped it around himself. “You’re never touching this again.”
Then he started searching. A few minutes later, a hidden trapdoor opened in the floor. And inside was treasure. REAL treasure.
The first cache earned the party 1,400 experience points and contained three potions, a wand, some strange dust, seven gold statuettes, and a wooden holy symbol. Merrick, now riding a dangerous treasure high, quickly found two more hiding places filled with scrolls, magical weapons, and another 1,400 XP.
Eventually, he stood upright with his arms completely full.
“Fuck.”
Aldren looked over. “What?”
“I can’t carry anymore.”
“Me either.”
So, pockets overflowing with loot, the party returned to New Phlan triumphant, rich, and most importantly... Dirten-less.
They spent the night at their favorite hostel and headed to the market the following morning to have their ridiculous pile of crap identified.
The haul included Dust of Disappearance, a Wand of Magic Missiles, Potions of Speed, Healing, and Giant Strength, several useful scrolls, and enough enchanted weaponry to arm a small and surprisingly well-equipped militia.
Merrick briefly claimed a Dagger +1, then dumped it the moment a Short Sword +1 was identified. Lucian took the Wand of Magic Missiles because giving the increasingly dangerous wizard even more ways to shoot magical shit at people seemed like an excellent idea. Aldren took the potions.
Pretty much everything else was sold. After everyone was properly outfitted, they went looking for Bishop Braccio to collect their reward. He wasn’t there.
Merrick looked around the empty room. “The fuck?”
Aldren sighed. “Let’s try Town Hall.”
“He better have left our money.”
The clerk congratulated them on clearing the Temple of Bane and handed over another 373 experience points each, along with a respectable pile of gold, platinum, and gems.
Merrick smiled. “All is forgiven.”
While they were in town, they stopped by the training hall. Mara reached level 6, and Lucian reached level 5. Which meant third-level Magic-User spells. Which meant one spell in particular. Fireball.
Everyone looked at Lucian a little differently now.
Merrick pointed at him. “You can do the fire thing now?”
“Yes.”
“Whenever you want?”
“Provided I have memorized it.”
Merrick slowly smiled. “Lucy is basically a god now.”
“Do not call me Lucy.”
This was what one would call a game changer. The party had already seen exactly what one well-placed Fireball could do. Now Lucian could memorize the fucking thing.
Merrick leaned over Aldren’s map. “Welp, what next?”
Aldren pointed to an area just north of the Wealthy District. “What about Kovel Mansion? Wasn’t there something about a group of thieves the Council wanted cleared out?”
Mara smiled. “I’m game. I feel oddly revitalized now that the filthy holy roller has left us.”
Lucian nodded. “There may also be useful information inside.”
Merrick looked at him. “You mean treasure.”
“That is not what I said.”
“Could be treasure.”
Aldren looked at Merrick. “You wouldn’t happen to have any objections to clearing out a group of fellow thieves, would you?”
Merrick looked offended. “Me? Fuck no. Haven’t you ever heard the expression ‘honor among thieves’?”
“Yes.”
“Complete bullshit.”
Mara laughed.
Aldren rolled up the map. “Alright then. Let us set sail once more!”
Merrick raised one hand. “For Tyr?”
Mara glared at him.
“No.”
And so the party traveled to Kovel Mansion, arriving at night because entering an enormous, potentially monster-infested building in complete darkness seemed like a fantastic fucking idea.
They circled the perimeter and found double doors to the north and three separate doors along the west side.
Mara turned to Merrick. “Well, Super Thief? Any recommendation? Preferably one that doesn’t get us immediately murdered.”
Merrick closed his eyes, raised both hands, and began swaying slightly. “Naaaa-na-na-naaa... na-na-na-naaa...”
Mara and Lucian stared. Aldren watched with genuine interest. A minute passed.
“Well?” Mara asked.
Aldren raised a finger. “Shhh! He’s working.”
“Idiots.”
Suddenly, Merrick’s eyes flew open.
“WEST!”
Conveniently, there was a door next to them.
Merrick opened it. Empty room. No exits. Nothing.
“Hmmm,” he said. “I do believe I forgot to compensate for the International Date Line.”
Lucian slowly turned toward him. “The what?”
“Silence! I’m getting another reading!”
They tried the other two western doors. Nothing.
Mara looked toward the north. “So... the double doors then.”
Merrick closed his eyes again, slowly rotated until he faced north, and pointed.
“Ah. There it is.”
Mara stared at the enormous double doors. “Your incredible powers have located the only entrance we haven’t tried.”
“Yes.”
“Amazing.”
“I know.”
Once actually inside the mansion, a rather dashing man with a sword appeared from the shadows and tried to attack them. Mara stepped forward and cracked him across the skull with her flail.
Dead.
Aldren stared at the body. “Was that necessary?”
“Yes.”
“He was one man.”
“And if he escaped, he would have warned everybody else.”
Merrick was already searching the corpse. “She’s right.”
Aldren looked at him.
“Professional opinion.”
Deeper inside the mansion, Merrick successfully disarmed one trap only for six thieves to leap from the shadows inside the next room.
“Another trap!” Merrick shouted.
Aldren spun around. “Where?”
“THERE!”
The party butchered them like common rats and claimed their cache of weapons.
Lucian looked over the pile. “Oh. I have an idea.”
He cast Detect Magic, and several items immediately began glowing.
Mara slowly turned toward him. “Wait. Step the fuck back.”
Lucian did.
“Do you mean to tell me you could have cast THAT at ANY time?”
“Well... yes. Provided I had it memorized.”
Merrick covered his face. “You mean all those times we hauled twenty-seven tons of shit back to New Phlan just to find out if any of it was magical...”
“I cannot identify the specific enchantment.”
“But you can tell if it’s magic!”
“Yes.”
Merrick sighed. Mara shook her head.
Aldren smiled. “Well! At least we know now.”
“You’re not helping,” Mara said.
The party eventually discovered a crude map drawn directly onto the floor. It depicted some kind of complicated maze labeled NE CASTLE. Journal Entry #29.
Interesting. Later, Merrick found a table holding four small caskets. The game gave me a choice: A, B, C, or D. I decided to start with A. Yup. I know. Real caution-to-the-wind shit here!
A hidden needle shot out and stabbed Aldren for one point of damage.
“Ow.”
Merrick looked at him. “You okay?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
He went back to picking the lock. Inside, the party found twelve gems and earned 750 experience points. Not bad.
SAM'S NOTE:
While opening the remaining caskets, I noticed the game gave me the option to press (C) for Aldren to CAST KNOCK. And no, the C did not stand for casket C.
It stood for CAST KNOCK. Aldren. The Fighter. Who did not know Knock. Not Lucian. This was obviously some kind of bug. Aldren had not secretly become a wizard or multiclassed.
The game had simply lost its goddamn mind. Naturally, everyone decided to treat this as proof that Aldren was now a better wizard than Lucian.
Of course, I grabbed a screenshot—and in doing so missed how much experience the fourth casket awarded.
Oops. Anyways. Aldren stepped forward and dramatically spread his arms.
“KNOCK!”
The remaining caskets clattered open. Everyone stared at him.
Lucian looked genuinely disturbed. “How did you do that?”
Aldren looked at his hands. “I... don’t know.”
Merrick’s eyes widened. “Do it again!”
“I don’t know HOW I did it!”
Mara shrugged. “Maybe Aldren is a better wizard than you.”
“He is not a wizard,” Lucian said.
Aldren smiled. “I did open the caskets.”
“That proves nothing.”
“Perhaps reading that book for thirty-one days unlocked some hidden magical potential.”
“No.”
“Could have.”
“No.”
Merrick slapped Aldren on the back. “Aldren the Magnificent! I wonder if you can learn Fireball!”
Lucian walked away. Soon afterward, they discovered another maze drawing labeled NW CASTLE. Journal Entry #41.
Then they found an old wooden cabinet. Obviously, they opened it. A cloud of poisonous yellow gas exploded into the room, sending everyone staggering backward and coughing. Once the gas cleared, the cabinet remained locked.
Aldren stepped forward. Merrick’s eyes lit up. Lucian immediately looked annoyed.
“KNOCK!”
The cabinet opened. Merrick clapped. Lucian did not. The bug was still working. Unfortunately for Lucian, so was the joke.
Inside, the party earned around 1,000 experience points each and found a shitload of scrolls.
The party continued deeper into the mansion until thieves came out of fucking everywhere. Lucian immediately cast Sleep, Merrick charged forward, and somebody stabbed him in the back. Hard. He dropped. Again.
“Some of these thieves are WAY more powerful than the others!” Merrick managed to say before collapsing into a considerably less useful heap on the floor.
He was right. I had neglected to notice that several of these fuckers were around level 6, which explained the ease with which they were slicing up my four adventurers.
Lucian dropped Stinking Cloud on one of the stronger thieves while Aldren and Mara pushed forward. Before long, the survivors lost their nerve and started running. They didn’t get far.
Then they weren’t running at all. Or breathing.
Everybody earned another 526 experience points, but the party was overloaded with treasure and more than a little beat to shit. They returned to New Phlan, sold most of what they had found, and Aldren trained to level 6.
Our definitely-not-a-wizard Fighter was moving up in the world. After a good night’s sleep, they returned to Kovel Mansion around 6:30 the following morning.
Remember the bug room in Sokal Keep? The one where we killed the giant scorpions, left, came back, and discovered the room was full of giant scorpions again? Yeah. That.
The room where the thieves had ambushed us yesterday was full of thieves.
Again. Mara hit one of the stronger thieves with Hold Person while Lucian put several more to sleep. Then Merrick went down. Again.
Mara patched him up. “Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?”
“Falling over.”
“I’ll work on it.”
The surviving thieves eventually broke and fled. Searching the room afterward turned up something much more interesting: several pieces of paper containing information about some of New Phlan’s most important residents.
Journal Entry #38:
Several pieces of paper with highly organized writing.
Fact: Werner von Urslingen is a retired mercenary captain turned business man.
Strong Rumor: mostly interested in the military aspects of the reconquest of Phlan.
Rumor: fought in a mercenary unit hired by The Boss early in his career.
Rumor: hates Zhentarim because he fought in a unit against them several times.
Rumor: has strong contacts with other mercenaries and some ruffians in town; none of our informants confirm such contact.
Vague Rumor: Von Urslingen’s unit was wiped out by enemy magic users; he was the only survivor; he retired and now secretly hates magic users.
Merrick finished reading. “So Werner might have worked for The Boss, knows a bunch of mercenaries and ruffians, and secretly hates magic-users.”
Lucian shook his head. “Those are rumors, not established facts.”
Mara looked at him. “Nervous?”
“No.”
Merrick smiled. “That sounds like something a nervous magic-user would say.”
The next set of papers concerned someone they already knew.
Journal Entry #51:
Fact: Bishop Braccio is the highest ranking religious leader in Phlan. Runs small temple in civilized section of city.
Vague Rumor: Braccio is actually a front-man for a powerful high priest who never leaves the small temple.
Strong Rumor: Braccio is under fire to “do something” about the undead problem. So long as the undead were causing the monsters more trouble than the settlers, he had other, more pressing problems.
Rumor: Braccio is opposed to the temple tendency to sell clerical “miracles”; but he understands that the temple needs funds. Braccio would rather perform such “miracles” in exchange for good works done in the name of the church, not just for money or items of power.
Merrick finished reading. “So Braccio doesn’t like charging people for miracles.”
Lucian nodded. “That appears to be the implication.”
“He charged us 5,500 gold to bring me back from the fucking dead!”
“Braccio didn’t charge us,” Aldren said. “That was the Temple of Tyr.”
Merrick paused.
“Oh.”
Mara took the papers. “The more interesting part is the high priest.”
“Assuming the rumor is true,” Lucian said.
Merrick shrugged. “Maybe he’s shy.”
Mara folded the papers. “Or hiding.”
Interesting. The party found another pile of treasure, several potentially magical items, and twenty-eight tapestries that nobody had any intention of carrying. Fuck tapestries. They’re heavy as shit and worth dick.
Eventually, only one unmapped room remained.
The party entered what appeared to be a converted jail cell. A group of young thieves had been beating an old man nearly to death, but the moment our heroes appeared, they found a new target.
Lucian cast Stinking Cloud. Mara cast Hold Person. The rest didn’t last long. When the fighting ended, the old thief was still sitting in the corner. Crippled. Dying. Aldren rushed toward him.
“The Boss...” the man rasped. “The Boss has allies everywhere.”
He handed the party several papers. “Take these. They may help.”
Then he just up and fucking died.
Journal Entry #48:
Strong Rumor: The Boss is a dragon or is a human who can take the form of a dragon.
Vague Rumor: The Boss is a metallic dragon. Not considered likely as metallic dragons are “good.”
Fact: The Boss holds audiences in Valjevo Castle. Castle is guarded by groups of big stupid monsters, with occasional smart human leaders.
Rumor: The Boss doesn't spend full time at Valjevo Castle.
Fact: Maze inside castle wall; passwords are needed to get past castle gates.
Rumor: The Boss has been sending out messengers to the tribes of monsters in the area to recruit new units.
Vague Rumor: The Boss is recruiting new units in preparation for an assault to retake the civilized sections of Phlan.
The party stood silently for a moment.
Lucian finally spoke. “A dragon.”
Mara looked at him. “Possibly.”
The pieces were starting to fit together.
The Boss had spies inside New Phlan, forces spread throughout the ruined city, and entire monster tribes being recruited for an assault. He held audiences at Valjevo Castle, and the party had now found two maps of the mazes surrounding it.
Merrick folded the papers. “Welp! Another mission accomplished. Let’s go back and get our reward, y’all!”
Aldren stared at him. “Have you no heart? A man just died.”
Merrick looked toward the corpse, then back at Aldren.
“Meh.”
“MERRICK!”
“What?! I didn’t kill him!”
Mara nodded. “He didn’t, you know.”
Aldren sighed. “Do NOT encourage him.”
And with Kovel Mansion fully mapped and, as far as I could tell, completely stripped of anything remotely valuable, the party returned to New Phlan.
Among the treasure were two particularly nice items, both for Merrick: a Short Sword +2 and Leather Armor +4. Holy fuck.
Merrick immediately equipped both. “I feel invincible.”
Mara looked at him. “You’ve fallen unconscious twice since we got here.”
“That was OLD Merrick.”
While sorting through the loot, Aldren found a silver mirror and handed it to Mara.
She looked at him suspiciously. “What’s this?”
“A mirror.”
“I can see that.”
“I thought you might like it.”
Mara stared at him for a moment, then quietly put it away.
“Thanks.”
She secretly liked the mirror. Brownie points earned. Probably. Back at Town Hall, the clerk rewarded them for clearing Kovel Mansion with 287 experience points each and a handful of platinum.
That was... kind of it. To be fair, the mission hadn’t exactly been the hardest thing we’d ever done. C’est la vie. Before the party could leave, however, the clerk had one more job.
Of course she did.
“The river flowing through Phlan has become badly polluted. The Council wants you to locate the source and put an end to it.”
Merrick stared at her. “What do we look like, lady? Greenpeace?”
Aldren immediately elbowed him. “Shhh!”
And so another mission was added to the ever-growing pile of shit the Council apparently believed four people should be responsible for fixing. The undead. The nomads. The kobolds. The river.
And somewhere behind all of it... The Boss. Possibly a dragon. Definitely an asshole.
The Party So Far
The Temple of Bane is cleansed, Kovel Mansion is cleared, and the four idiots are wealthier, better equipped, and considerably more dangerous than they were at the beginning of the episode.
Dirten is gone. Mara is pleased.
Aldren Kestyr — Level 6 Fighter
Mara Threl — Level 6 Cleric
Lucian Eldwyck — Level 5 Magic-User
Merrick Sorne — Level 6 Thief
Next Time On...
Unfortunately, New Phlan still has problems.
A lot of problems.
But hey.
At least Dirten is gone.
FOR TYR!