Previously...
You know. Hero stuff.
The City Council also gave them another job: recover a lost family treasure belonging to Junior Councilman Cadorna from the old textile complex south of Podal Plaza. More importantly, the party had gotten considerably stronger. Aldren, Mara, and Merrick had reached level 4, Lucian reached level 3 and learned Knock, and Mara now had access to Hold Person.
There were still a few unfinished matters, however. Some unexplored areas. A handful of assholes who had killed us before.
And Norris the fucking Gray.
When we last left off, our four heroes were standing outside the local store doing... hero things.
“Alright,” Aldren said. “Are we all ready?”
Merrick grinned. “Born ready! And sexy!”
Mara sighed. And with that, they made their way back toward the Slums. The mission was simple: finish mapping the goddamn thing and make absolutely sure they hadn’t missed anything. Oh, and sweet revenge.
There were still some goblin guards who had thoroughly whipped their lily asses back when everyone was considerably more noob-like. Unfortunately for the goblins, things had changed. Lucian had Sleep. Mara had Hold Person. Together, they had developed the wonderful ability to make large groups of enemies completely fucking useless.
The goblins never really stood a chance.
Eventually, the party found themselves standing inside a large, completely empty room. Flying high on his recent discovery of an entire secret room behind a fake wall, Merrick naturally decided this room also needed to be searched. Every inch of it.
Mara sighed. “I’ll be over here.”
Aldren and Lucian found a place to sit while Merrick meticulously inspected the walls, floor, corners, cracks, and several completely innocent pieces of masonry. Then, much to everyone’s surprise...
“HA!”
Everyone looked up. Merrick was kneeling beside a loose floorboard.
“Ya fuckers are always doubting me!”
Beneath the floor they discovered a chest wedged into a small hole. Finding it earned the party 575 experience points along with around 200 platinum, some gold, a shield, and a magical scroll containing a single spell.
Lucian grabbed the scroll before Merrick had a chance to protest and unrolled it. “Hmmm.”
“What?” Merrick asked.
“Magic Missile. I already know that spell.”
Mara snickered. Merrick outright laughed.
“HA! Serves you right, ya stingy bastard!”
Lucian rolled the scroll back up. “Hmph.”
Aldren glanced around the room. “Wasn’t there a troll and an ogre somewhere around here that made us dead before?”
“Yup,” Mara said, idly studying her clerical book. “Old Rope Guild. Should be just south of us.”
Merrick was already moving. “Let’s do it.”
They reached the guild a few moments later, and there they were: the same enormous bastards who had previously reduced the party to assorted chunks of meat.
Aldren drew his sword.
“Prepare to be wiped in thine collective asses!”
Everyone stared at him. Aldren charged. And they all died. Again.
Moments Later...
Merrick groaned and clutched the side of his head. “Maybe we’re not quite ready to take those bastards on.”
Aldren rubbed his forehead. “Agreed. And ouch.”
Despite that particular setback, something wonderful had happened. The Slums were finally... Well... About 99% mapped.
There was still that tiny section occupied by several enormous creatures who enjoyed murdering us, but I was willing to let that one go. For now.
Mara studied the map. “Let’s head west. We almost had that entire area mapped too. Plus, our old friend Norris is there.”
Merrick smiled. “Ohhh, Norris.”
Lucian closed his spellbook. “Considering our new abilities, our chances of defeating him have improved considerably.”
Aldren drew his sword. “Then let us finally rid Phlan of that foul brigand! Onward to justice, honor and glory!”
Merrick looked at Mara. “Think he practices that shit?”
“Definitely.”
The party headed west, back into the ruined section of the city and toward Kuto’s Well. This time we were going straight down that well and directly up Norris’s ass.
Within moments, Lucian had half of Norris’s men asleep while Mara landed Hold Person on Norris himself. Oh. This was already going considerably better.
Merrick pulled back his sling and launched a stone directly at the helpless brigand. It connected. Norris dropped.
“FUCK YEAH!” Merrick shouted. “SUCK MY STONES, NORRIS!”
With their leader dead and half of them unconscious, Norris’s band of unmerry men didn’t last much longer. Soon, the room was quiet. Norris the Gray was dead. Actually dead. There was much rejoicing.
The party shared 312 experience points, collected a small cache of copper and silver, and gathered up several weapons that might have been worth something. Or complete junk. Whatever.
More interesting was the message they found on Norris’s body:
“Assemble a group of at least 30 of your followers. Meet up with a hobgoblin assault force at the small docks to the west of town. You and your group will be under the command of the hobgoblin leader. Follow his orders. Upon completion of the mission you will be rewarded with food, treasure, and many slaves.
Signed,
The Boss”
Scribbled on the back was Norris’s unsent reply:
“I will never follow the orders of a hobgoblin. I don’t go on missions until I know exactly what we’re supposed to do. And I don’t go on missions for an unknown amount of food, treasure, and slaves. I do go on missions where I am in command; where I know exactly what the target is; and where I know exactly how much I’ll get paid. Don’t send me another order until you can meet my terms.
Signed,
Norris the Gray”
Merrick stared at the paper. “So even Norris thought these people were assholes.”
“He was a criminal living in a well,” Mara said.
Lucian took the note and examined it. “A criminal with standards.”
Aldren looked down at Norris’s corpse. “Well, he’s dead now.”
Everyone looked at him.
“Thank you, Aldren,” Merrick said.
Merrick glanced around the now considerably less hostile underground complex. “So... Norris is dead. His men are dead. And nobody else appears to be living here.”
Mara smiled. Merrick smiled back.
Aldren looked between them. “What?”
“I think we just got ourselves a hideout,” Merrick said.
Aldren frowned. “You want to live in a well?”
“It’s hidden,” Mara said.
“Defensible,” Merrick added.
Lucian glanced at the damp stone walls. “Moist.”
Merrick spread his arms. “Home sweet hole.”
And just like that, Kuto’s Well became ours.
Naturally, before leaving our newly acquired hideout, Merrick insisted on searching the entire fucking thing. This time nobody complained much, mostly because he kept finding shit.
Eventually, the party uncovered another rather impressive cache of treasure: 1,301 experience points, around 2,300 silver, some gold, and twenty fucking gems.
There was so much treasure that the party physically couldn’t carry it all.
“We’re going to have to come back,” Aldren said.
Merrick looked horrified. “Leave treasure behind?”
“It’s in our secret underground hideout,” Mara said.
Merrick considered that. “...Fine.”
And so they hauled as much as they could back to New Phlan.
At the shop, Aldren discovered that the shield they had found earlier was magical: a Shield +1. He immediately ditched his boring normal-ass shield for his shiny new magical-ass one.
The party also decided to hold onto their gems rather than selling them, since twenty tiny rocks were considerably easier to lug around than another small nation’s worth of platinum.
Reinvigorated, considerably wealthier, and having finally dealt with Norris, they headed toward City Hall. Surely somebody would pay us for that. Turns out... Yup.
The Council rewarded the party with another 312 experience points and some additional money for eliminating Norris and his brigands. Even better, they had another assignment: find the nomads roaming the wilderness around Phlan and prevent them from joining forces with the city’s enemies.
Merrick raised his hand. “What’s a fucking nomad?”
Aldren immediately pushed his arm down. “Please ignore him, just and fair councilwoman. We shall do our best!”
Lucian leaned toward Merrick as they walked away. “A nomad is someone who—”
Merrick held up a hand. “I already stopped caring.”
With pockets once again bulging with money, the party headed back west. There was still unfinished business around Kuto’s Well. Specifically, a group of lizard men guarding a nailed-shut door.
The same lizard men who had responded to Aldren’s diplomatic greeting of “Hail, lizards!” by immediately murdering everyone.
We hadn’t forgotten about them either. This time, the lizard men died. Fuck yeah.
Merrick walked over to the door they had been protecting and examined the boards nailed across it. “Well, we killed the guards. Seems rude not to see what they were guarding.”
Aldren examined the boards. “They certainly did not want anyone getting inside.”
Mara folded her arms. “So open it.”
The party forced the boards loose and shoved the door open. Inside was a small room, and sitting quietly upon a rug was an old woman. She looked up at them.
“Greetings, bold ones. I have long awaited your coming. My time here is short, for the world enters a new age.”
Merrick slowly opened his mouth. “Okay, what the absolute fuck?”
The woman continued.
“An evil spirit from an unholy pool guides your enemies. It hides behind a fair countenance. Be not deceived.”
And then... She was gone.
Merrick stared at the empty rug. “Okay. Am I tripping?”
“It’s obvious, thief,” Lucian said. “She was some form of oracle sent here to deliver us a message.”
“Okay. So what’s the message?”
Lucian paused. “I have no clue.”
There was silence.
Aldren looked toward the doorway. “Boy, we sure fucked those lizards up, eh?”
Mara glared at him. A few minutes later, Merrick called from across the room.
“Hey guys! I found something!”
Of course he did.
Hidden beneath another floorboard was yet another cache of treasure. The party shared 800 experience points and recovered some banded mail, a quarterstaff, and a pair of bracers. Merrick looked incredibly pleased with himself.
Wonderful. This behavior was never going to stop.
“Well,” Aldren said, unfolding the map, “the Slums are mapped, Norris is dead, Kuto’s Well is ours, and the lizard men have been dealt with.”
Merrick pointed west. “And we have a wizard who can open those doors now.”
Lucian frowned. “I have a name.”
Merrick mimed jazz hands. “Lucy, Door Wizard.”
“Do not call me that.”
And so the party headed toward Podal Plaza.
A short while later, they arrived at one of the doors that had previously resisted both Merrick’s lockpicks and Aldren’s repeated attempts to beat the fucking thing open.
Lucian stepped forward. “Stand aside.”
Merrick smiled. “Do your thing, Door Wizard.”
Lucian glared at him and cast Knock. The door immediately sprang open.
Merrick’s eyes widened. “That is fucking beautiful.”
“Yes,” Lucian said. “Magic generally is.”
“I meant the open door.”
Inside they discovered a surprisingly clean, rather holy-looking room occupied by a young woman. Mara was visibly uncomfortable.
“We provide help for those who can reach us,” the woman said. “Are you in need of healing?”
“Erm...” Aldren sputtered. “No, actually. We’re quite healthy at the moment.”
Merrick raised his hand. “Is it free?”
“Yes.”
Merrick looked impressed. “I like this religion.”
Mara looked at him. “Of course you do.”
The woman explained that the party was welcome to rest there whenever they needed, which was actually pretty fucking useful. Mara remained suspiciously close to the exit.
Once outside, Merrick sighed. “Well, that was a bust. I was hoping for treasure.”
“Hey,” Aldren said, studying the map, “aren’t we close to that textile place the councilman mentioned?”
“Indeed we are,” Mara replied.
And so the party traveled south into completely unexplored territory in search of Cadorna’s missing treasure, fame, fortune, adventure, and several more things they had absolutely no room left in their pockets to carry.
The party pushed deeper into the area until several undead creatures emerged from the ruins.
Ghouls. Mara’s eyes lit up. Finally. Something she could Turn. She stepped forward, raised her holy symbol, and invoked the power of her god against the approaching undead. The ghouls stared at her.
Mara stared back. Nothing happened.
Merrick slowly backed away. “I think you made them curious.”
Then the ghouls attacked. Mara’s Turn ability proceeded to do exactly fuck-all. What I’m saying is... We all died horrible deaths. Again.
Moments Later...
Merrick opened his eyes. “Okay. FUCK that place.”
Aldren slowly stood. “I agree.”
Lucian looked somewhat disappointed. “They were considerably more powerful than I anticipated.”
Mara adjusted her armor. “Next time I hit them harder.”
“Or,” Merrick said, “and hear me out here... we never go back. Ever. We forget that place exists. Draw a wall on the map. Never speak of it again. Never—”
“Okay, we get it,” Mara said, staggering to her feet.
The party took a slightly different route and eventually discovered another well. Someone had written two words across it:
THIEVES ONLY
Merrick’s face lit up. “Ahhh. My people!”
Mara studied the well. “Could be a trap.”
“Just because you’re an evil bitch doesn’t mean everyone else is also an evil bitch.”
Mara raised an eyebrow.
“Or mister bitch,” Merrick added.
Lucian stepped forward. “No, she is correct. It could very easily be a—”
Merrick disappeared down the well.
Lucian sighed. “And he’s gone.”
Merrick’s voice echoed from below.
“YOU GUYS COMING OR WHAT?!”
At the bottom, the party found an old thief waiting for them.
“Welcome to my guild. I am Restal.” He bowed.
Merrick turned toward everyone. “See? Told ya.”
Restal studied the party. “You are seeking the textile house. We can get you inside unseen and possibly help you with the treasure. Interested?”
“Yes, oh lowly and slightly smelly thief!” Aldren answered before anybody else could speak.
Merrick just shook his head.
“Very well,” Restal continued. “Our rules require you to be blindfolded while inside our guild house. Is that acceptable?”
Mara smiled. “That could be fun.”
“Hell no, I ain’t—”
“If it is your way,” Aldren replied, cutting Merrick off, “we accept.”
The party was blindfolded and led on a long, twisting walk before eventually climbing a ladder. When the blindfolds came off, Restal gave them one final instruction.
“Only meet us at the main well.”
Then he disappeared.
Aldren smiled. “Well! Looks like we’re on our way, friends!”
Merrick glared at him. “Don’t talk to me, you buffoon.”
The first building they entered was serving as a barracks. There were hobgoblins inside. Briefly. Farther in, they found a makeshift temple containing even more hobgoblins. They also died.
Sleep and Hold Person were becoming a bit ridiculous.
After the battle, the party discovered a mess of gold and equipment, including a necklace, brass key, potion, quarterstaff, stone statuette, scale armor, and several Magic-User scrolls. Merrick tried stuffing something else into his pack.
It didn’t fit.
“Welp. I can’t carry anymore.”
Lucian looked over the mountain of shit they had accumulated. “We should return to New Phlan and have these items identified.”
Aldren nodded. “Agreed.”
Back in New Phlan, the party stopped at the training hall. Lucian had gained enough experience to reach level 4 and add another spell to his growing arsenal: Stinking Cloud.
Merrick stared at him. “So you can kill people with farts now?”
“No.”
“Sounds like magical farts.”
Lucian walked away. Merrick had also accumulated enough experience to advance again, bringing him all the way to level 5. Then came the fun part. Identifying all the shit they had found.
The shopkeeper examined the necklace.
Lucian leaned forward. “A cursed necklace! Incredible!”
Merrick stared at him, then slowly made a circular motion beside his head.
“Pretty cool.”
Lucian ignored him. Besides some magical crap they eventually sold, Lucian ended up with a rather nice pair of enchanted bracers. Not bad.
“Welp,” Aldren said as everyone gathered their equipment, “we should head back! There’s plenty more to explore down there!”
And so they did. Later, while searching through the remains of a partially collapsed building, they discovered a mangled scrap of paper:
“He is livid about the undead coming out of Valhingen Graveyard. Three times He has sent assault groups, three times none have returned. He dares not send any of the priests of Bane to clear the graveyard. He assumes that if a priest could wrest control of the undead from their current master, that the priest would then become a threat to His power.
“I suggested that if we could neutralize the power that leads the undead, that we could then use the undead as a tool.
“He thought on this and then ordered me to find out who or what is in control in Valhingen Graveyard. Preliminary investigation shows that the graveyard is controlled by a being of great power, perhaps a vampire or a demon. I shall expend a few scouts and low level priests to find out more information.”
Merrick finished reading. “Yikes.”
“A vampire or demon capable of controlling an entire graveyard,” Lucian said, clearly much more interested than anyone should reasonably be.
“Nope,” Merrick replied.
“It would certainly explain the reports we heard earlier about intelligent undead.”
“Still nope.”
Mara smiled. “Sounds interesting.”
Merrick pointed at her. “See? This! This right here is why nobody talks to you.”
Aldren folded the paper and tucked it away. “Perhaps the graveyard can wait.”
For once, Merrick and Aldren were in complete agreement. As they continued walking, Lucian suddenly stopped and pulled two scrolls from his robes.
“Hmmm.”
“What?” Aldren asked.
“I forgot to identify these when we were in town.”
Merrick stared at him. “We literally went to town to identify shit.”
Lucian quietly put them back in his robes.
“As I said.”
The party continued exploring until they entered another bloodied building. There, they found a dead hobgoblin sprawled across the floor with its head completely crushed. Written nearby in blood were three words:
SKULLCRUSHER WAS HERE.
Merrick stared at the corpse. “Subtle.”
Aldren examined what remained of the hobgoblin’s skull. “Well... the name seems accurate.”
Mara smiled. “I like him already.”
The game gave us three options: search the body, destroy it, or leave it alone. Everyone agreed to search it first, but we found nothing useful. Mara wanted to destroy it.
Everyone else thought perhaps smashing another mysterious local corpse wasn’t the greatest idea we’d ever had. Dice time.
A 1 meant Mara got her way. Anything else meant we left the already extremely dead hobgoblin alone. I rolled. ... Fuck. A 1.
Mara lifted her flail and reduced what remained of the corpse into something considerably more liquid.
Aldren stared at her. “Happy now?”
Mara grunted and walked away. As they continued exploring, the party stepped around discarded bread, rotting meat, and assorted pieces of human anatomy.
Merrick stopped. “Is that a—”
“Yup,” Mara said.
She grinned. It was unsettling.
Farther south, they discovered the name SKULLCRUSHER carved into the north wall of another half-destroyed building. Whoever this Skullcrusher was, he was certainly committed to branding.
Nearby, the party found a small room filled with baby hobgoblins. The floor was slick with dung and urine.
Merrick looked around. “Looks like a great place to make camp!”
So we did. It was gross.
The party continued exploring through broken furniture, debris, blood, garbage, and a continually impressive variety of disgusting shit until they discovered a muscular man chained inside a very small room.
Beside him was another torn scrap of paper. The game instructed me to read Journal Entry 47. So I did.
“Hobgoblins transferred out of Valjevo Castle. Now replaced by giants and trolls. Sounds very tough.
“Stojanow Gate guarded by bugbears and ettins. Heard ettins didn’t like light. Must be charmed or controlled. Sounds tough.
“Some smugglers sneak supplies through Stojanow Gate to The Boss. Must check it out.
“Overheard hobgoblins say a dragon scared them into leaving a nice lair in the mountains out east. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of creeps.”
Lucian’s eyes widened. “A dragon?”
Merrick’s eyes also widened. For very different reasons.
“Dragons usually have hoards, don’t they?”
“Yes,” Lucian said. “Although I feel you are focusing on the least important portion of that information.”
“Treasure is never the least important portion.”
Aldren looked toward the chained man. “I’m somewhat more concerned with him.”
Mara was already looking. Quite closely.
“So,” she said. “What do we do with him?”
The game gave me four choices, but Leave was immediately out because nobody was fucking leaving. Aldren wanted to free the stranger, nobody wanted to attack him, and Merrick, Lucian, and Mara preferred figuring out who the enormous chained man actually was first.
A 1 meant we freed him immediately. A 2, 3, or 4 meant we talked first. I rolled a 3. Parlay it was.
Mara stepped closer to the prisoner. “Well, hello there. Who exactly are you?”
The man glared at her. “Don’t try to fool me!”
Mara raised an eyebrow.
Aldren stepped forward. “Good sir, we mean you no harm. We aren’t with these hobgoblins. In fact, we’ve spent a rather significant portion of our day killing them. Mara herself bludgeoned one into a pool of gore a mere five minutes ago!”
The man’s expression softened.
“I almost killed the leader of these scummy hobgoblins, but the rest jumped me!”
Aldren turned toward the others. “I think we should free him.”
Merrick folded his arms. “He could be lying.”
“He could also be useful,” Mara said.
Lucian nodded. “Those two possibilities are not mutually exclusive.”
Aldren looked at the chains. “We can’t simply leave him here.”
Merrick sighed. “Fine.”
He walked toward one of the padlocks, then stopped.
“Hey...”
Merrick pulled the brass key they had found earlier from his pocket. “This looks like it might fit.”
It did. The key opened every padlock in the room. The muscular stranger stood and rubbed his wrists.
“Thanks for freeing me. I’m Lord Cadorna’s servant.”
Well. That was interesting. Even more interesting? He wanted to join the party. Mara was immediately in favor. I suspect her reasoning had very little to do with Cadorna.
Aldren was also in favor, although for considerably more wholesome reasons. Merrick didn’t trust him. Neither did Lucian. Two against two.
A roll of 1 or 2 meant we thanked the man and left him behind. A 3 or 4 meant he joined the party. I rolled a 4. Looks like we had a new friend.
The man smiled. “Great! My name is Skullcrusher.”
Everyone froze.
Merrick slowly turned toward him. “Skullcrusher?”
“Yes.”
“As in SKULLCRUSHER WAS HERE?”
“Yes.”
Mara smiled. “I knew I liked him.”
Lucian stared at the enormous man. “Well. That answers one question.”
“And raises several others,” Aldren added.
Skullcrusher continued. “There’s a secret door to the southeast. That’s where I met the hobgoblin leader.”
Merrick’s head snapped around. “Secret door?”
Of course that was the part he heard. So, I accepted Skullcrusher into the party. And every character portrait immediately disappeared. All of them. Gone. I toggled the portraits off. Back on. Nothing.
So naturally, after finally finding the mysterious Skullcrusher, infiltrating the textile complex, murdering Norris, acquiring our own underground hideout, and discovering the location of a secret door...
Pool of Radiance decided nobody needed a fucking face anymore. Excellent.
The Party So Far
Norris is dead, Merrick has somehow reached level 5, Lucian can now open doors and produce weaponized gastrointestinal distress, and the party has acquired a heavily muscled stranger named Skullcrusher. Things are going surprisingly well.
This is probably bad.
Aldren Kestyr — Level 4 Fighter
Mara Threl — Level 4 Cleric
Lucian Eldwych — Level 4 Magic-User
Merrick Sorne — Level 5 Thief
Skullcrusher — Level 4 Fighter
So now there were five of them. Four increasingly competent adventurers... ...and Skullcrusher. Who had more hit points than four Merricks. Yes, this will do nicely.
Next Time On...
There’s also a dragon somewhere out east, something extremely unpleasant controlling Valhingen Graveyard, and an unidentified “Boss” pulling strings throughout Phlan.
But first?
I’d really like my fucking character portraits back.